Some days I feel like I'm starting to get in a somewhat good place in regards to my health and body image. But, I know I am easily shaken and not confident yet after a conversation today with a family member.
My situation is interesting as just a little over a year and a half ago I was close to obese and had a very bad bingeing, emotional overeating habit. Then I decided to lose weight and ended up losing a little too much and going too far with that. Because of my history of overeating and past weight issues I still have family members that are concerned that I will return to my overweight state. I sometimes get scared too, but I've been gaining confidence that I won't quite be the same as I was then, even if my weight isn't in an ideal range, because I have formed quite a few healthy habits over the past year or so that I don't want to give up.
I was discussing my issues with anxiety with a family member tonight and was reminded that I turn to food when I'm not really hungry and more so due to quiet an anxious stomach. This is true sometimes, but sometimes I do truly think that I'm hungry. Or maybe I'm not...maybe I can't tell the difference any more. I'm just not sure. Basically the conversation left me questioning my hunger cues and eating habits again and the amount of fuel I need for myself. I was reminded that I did the same activity and sometimes more with less food 4-5 months ago. I was left feeling that I'm eating more than I need to and that now I am once again in the same boat I was 1 1/2 years ago where I need to start being concerned about eating too much.
In some ways this is fine, because throughout life we will have to examine our eating patterns and give ourselves little reality checks. It's normal to have to adjust eating patterns and to try to make healthy changes. I guess I'm just left feeling especially uncomfortable tonight because my recent decision to switch to all intuitive eating is starting to seem like a bad idea....like maybe I need to go back to counting calories and points again to get myself to a more ideal weight range.
In some ways this conversation left me feeling validated in a really odd way. Like, "yes, those worries and fears that you've been having that you are starting to become overweight again are true, others are seeing it as well and are concerned. You will always have to watch your calories closely because you will always have a weight problem-it's just an issue you have to accept. If you really want to be your best self, you need to lose those 10-15 pounds and work harder than ever to keep that weight off. Life is hard, get over it. You are weak for gaining weight back and failed miserably at a lifestyle change."
But then I was also left with thoughts of sadness because I desperately want to just like and accept myself for where I'm at now, acknowledge it's not necessarily a permanent state, and changes could be made, but this extra weight doesn't mean I necessarily have a big problem. I like that I have one less thing to think about with points/calories counting. I like being a little more flexible.
But I don't like the thought of other people judging me negatively or family members being concerned that I'm going down a dangerous path with weight gain again. I know it was hard for my mom to see me gain 25 pounds in a short amount of time a couple years ago. I had never been obese as a child or teen and it was definitely not my normal state.
I have this strong desire to not disappoint others, but then I also have this pull in another direction of just wanting to be happy for "me" and accept myself, flaws and all. It's definitely a tough mental state to be in now.
I've considered maybe going back to point counting for a month, planning more physical activity on the weekends, and then from there make a decision to jump back into intuitive eating in baby steps-maybe a couple days a week again.
I'm not sure, but tonight I'm left feeling defeated, embarrassed, ashamed, and confused. Just when I think I'm making process on the mental aspect, I'm made aware that in the physical sense my health is declining. I wish it could all be in synch and I'm worried it may never be in synch for me.
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