Thinking back on it, there are several things that stick out in my mind relating to body image. And probably more that will come to me, the more I think about it.
I know that as a young child I didn't really have many eating issues. I was told by my mom that I did have a habit of eating some foods repeatedly without much variety when I was really young (something I still do sometimes, ha!) but besides that (which I can't remember) I don't remember having a weird relationship with food. I did always love sugar, and I maybe started associating food with comfort, but I don't think it was anything extreme or unusual. I was not really thin or overweight as a child-I was in the "healthy" range and medium size. I started taking ballet lessons when I was 6 years old. I remember falling in love with dance almost instantly. It set off a spark in me and I was hooked. Dance lessons became a part of my weekly routine and was a big part of my life. Surprisingly, even with an entire wall of mirrors, and wearing spandex leotards and tights all the time, I do not remember analyzing the size of my body or really critiquing my body compared to other girls in the class as a child. At least it doesn't stick out in my mind. This could have been because my body type was in the middle range and I didn't really stick out and I just blended in.
Some things I do remember from childhood are knowing my mom's weight. I remember that she would comment on her own-though not mine. I do remember that there were times at dinner that my mom would be eating her dinner off of a dessert size plate while my dad and I ate off a normal size dinner plate. I also remember my mom critiquing her size quite a bit, comments about how she felt she "looked fat" etc. My mom was always thin so these comments always seemed strange to me but at the time I don't remember really thinking that I should be concerned too. Interestingly, several of her family members were also overly critical of their bodies like this (while still being thin), including her sister and my grandfather.
I remember that 5th or 6th grade was when I first decided I needed to diet. I have been trying to remember what made me decide to start dieting and I can't remember. But something must have triggered it and I remember really liking the feeling of controlling my food intake. I didn't count calories or anything, but I tried to just cut down my food intake or skip meals altogether. I would do this for a few days, but then I would get back to more normal eating patterns, and then repeat the cycle again. I remember at one point hiding food and my mom being really upset about it when she figured out what I had been doing, but the rest of my memories are a little spotty from the grade school days. I do know that around the time of 5th or 6th grade I was no longer one of the medium sized girls in ballet, I was thin. I liked seeing certain bones showing (horrible to say now but I remember that) and I remember body checking all the time, especially my arms. It was also around this time that other girls in class became more concerned about their weight. I can't help but wonder if I was just trying to fit in.
I have one distinct memory that sticks in my mind. I was in 6th grade (the end of the year) and had made the junior high pom squad. This was super exciting for me because I hadn't really tried out for anything before and I wanted to be a part of something at school-and it was dance which was something I was comfortable with. After making the team we were given a sheet of exercises which was called "conditioning" and we were told to do the conditioning exercises (weights, crunches, etc) for 3 days a week in addition to our practices. I'm usually one to follow through on directions so I asked my mom to buy me weights and I started doing those conditioning exercises. By this point it was summer and I remember I would be out swimming in the pool with my cousins but would say I had to go inside to do my conditioning exercises. I remember being so darn dedicated to the conditioning and decided to add more reps when I could or additional days. I would say I probably went above what was "required" and felt guilty if I didn't get those exercises completed! On top of those exercises I had my 3-4 nights of dance classes and also dance team practices. I was very busy and very active, and probably didn't need to do any of those "conditioning" exercises at all.
That same summer our team went to a dance camp at a college that was about a week long. This was my first time going away from home without my parents and I experienced some home sickness and didn't handle it all really well. But, I still learned the routines, worked hard for the blue ribbons, and overall was successful with it. We danced all day and then practiced in the dorms most of the night so it was a lot of activity. And I remember being so nervous and homesick I could barely eat at all. That summer I definitely did lose a little weight-especially with the new focus on conditioning and the extra activity with the pom squad. Another distinct memory I have from this time is shortly after camp, my grandpa, mom, and a few other family members commented on my thinness and how great I looked. That definitely set something in my brain then-because honestly that memory is so distinct. I thought, "ok, so I need to be thin to look good." So I continued to closely monitor and watch my weight after entering junior high.
More thoughts on this to come...because I think it's interesting to see how some of views are formed and how we can work on challenging them.
No comments:
Post a Comment