When I decided to lose weight, I was at a pretty low point. I was binge eating, eating fast food daily (multiple times a day sometimes), was unhappy with how things were going in my life (yet continued to try and put on a happy face), and had very low self-esteem. I was not comfortable in my body and could actually feel my health declining. BUT, even with all of that going on, I did still have fun experiences. There were plenty of good times too. I didn't dwell on the shape of my body all the time, though I guess you could say I reached a denial state. However, deep down the unhappiness was there and had been growing, just as my body was growing. I couldn't deal with the emotions I was feeling and food was a way to focus on something else. Usually this resulted in sitting in my car after going through a couple drive ins and eating in my car until I was stuffed. Thinking back on it now, I'm shocked at how often I did this. It became almost a daily occurrence and just kept getting worse. I was embarrassed that family members or neighbors would see me carry the bags of fast food in the house. Sometimes I didn't care though and I just sat on my bed, eating away, almost in a food coma state. I'm still trying to process what was happening during that time and it seems so long ago, yet also feels like just yesterday. Looking back on it now, I don't know how I thought I could hide what I was doing.
But, this brings me to point of this post. I wished I would have tried to process the emotional aspect of what was going on. I wish I would have tried to discover why I felt I needed to turn to food so much and why I was feeling so unhappy. I wish I would have examined my relationship with food more closely and pin pointed the issues. I jumped into the Weight Watchers program knowing I needed to lose weight for my health, but also thought maybe that weight loss would also make me happier and make other things in my life better. Since I never tackled the issues behind the emotional eating I transferred my issues of overeating to the other extreme and became obsessive with point counting and eating as little as possible. Just as overeating calmed my nerves, controlling my eating or eating as little as possible calmed my nerves. So basically I still had issues with food, I never really addressed core issues with anxiety, etc, and I just ended up with another problem.
Looking back on it now, I can see at least some easy things I could have changed:
-reduce fast food consumption
-cut out calorie laden drinks
-reduce sugary treats
-exercise regularly
-reduce portion sizes
If I would have looked at those things I could have made small improvements over time. I would have seen results, just maybe not as rapidly as the way I went about it. However, I know that the emotional aspect probably needed to be handled first, including ways to cope with anxiety (something I'm still trying to figure out). I also think the biggest hurdle is self-esteem. I think that jumping into a weight loss plan when you really don't like yourself, but thinking that losing weight will make you like yourself more or it will just solve your problems, is a mistake. Because if you aren't successful or you struggle, you just sink deeper into self hate and it can lead you down a path of extreme weight loss or getting burned out and gaining weight again.
Everyone has a unique situation. Some struggle with weight for years, since childhood. Some struggle with bad eating patterns on and off for years, experiencing yo-yo dieting. Sometimes some experience will lead to temporary or short-term weight gain, weight loss, etc. I think it can be beneficial to take a good hard look at our past and our relationship to food as well as our reasons for wanting to lose weight before jumping into a weight loss plan. I wish I had. Only recently have I made myself start to examine my issues with body image and patterns of disordered eating at different points throughout my life. Now, I am finally trying to sort through what led to the weight gain and what led to the obsession with losing as much weight as possible. I have now gained weight back, though not all the weight I lost, and I'm working towards really addressing the core issues so I can get to a healthy weight that is best for me. It is not easy to accept the weight I'm currently at right now because I still want to jump back to counting points and get myself to a goal weight. But, I know that's not going to lead to the long term success, which is what I'm really after.
No comments:
Post a Comment