A couple of months ago I finally started to allow myself to eat more and not be so strict with point counting/calorie counting, but then I started working out more to try to make up for it. Now, I am laying off the exercise some, giving myself more rest days when needed, and also easing up on the "strict" diet. I sometimes start to worry that this means I am returning to how I was a few years ago when my weight started to climb upwards and the weight gain was getting bad. But, I have to remember that I wasn't active at all then, and I can find a happy medium for myself that isn't sedentary, but also isn't so active that my day revolves around "getting enough exercise."
So yesterday I skipped the gym and headed to a local state park for a nice long (uphill) walk with my mom. It was so nice to spend this time with my mom and appreciate the day. Last summer I was so locked in a dieting mindset and was so moody and extra anxious all the time. The summer before that I probably was not in the physical shape to handle this walk and I was also so upset about my weight gain that I probably would have chosen to just stay at home. I'm still trying to sort out in my mind the extremes that I've had the past couple years and how quickly I snapped from one to the other. I'm still trying to discover the root cause of my eating problems and why I can't find a normal, middle ground. When I stop and think about how I've been doing this week, I do think I've been happier without counting points/calories but I'm also very fearful that it means I'm going to return to my highest weight. I was very unhappy at that weight and felt trapped in that state. So then my mind jumps to..."you need to start counting again and sticking to set calories so you don't gain weight"...but once I start getting strict again I also feel trapped and I start feeling like a slave to the scale and obsessive and upset depending on how my day went with eating. I don't want that either, because I wasn't happy then. I'm really trying for a happy medium, but it is incredibly hard for me. My mind wants to have the rules and follow them, or then if I throw out the rules, I just feel like I'm being lazy and failing and I worry I'll get out of control. I don't know why this is my thought process and I don't like it, and I know I have to get to the root of it.
I was actually talking with my mom yesterday about some of these thoughts and expressed to her that I feel anxiety has something to do with it. I feel that anxiety has held me back from doing a lot of things I wanted to do in my life (issues with career, dating, school, etc). Not only that, but just never feeling that I was truly good enough for anything. Deep down I guess I've never really accepted myself for just being me, and have not been able to embrace my imperfections. I've always felt I've failed and have not really succeeded at anything I've tried. And that sense of failure has sometimes led me to have issues with food. Either overeating because I'm comforting myself with food and using food to deal with my feelings or wanting to feel success with something and losing weight is measurable and something that I can monitor and use to gauge my "success." This also applies to exercise-doing nothing and just sitting on the couch/sleeping more or wanting to "go! go! go!" all the time and get as much exercise as possible. Food/eating patterns is just one part of the equation. I have to figure out the other parts and conquer those issues before the eating patterns can really be in sync. I think it's going to take time to figure all of this out and I need to be patient with myself.
In the meantime, here are my goals for the week:
1) Continue to avoid the weight watchers tracker and myfitness pal-I'm not ready to jump back into that right now
2) Strive for balanced meals-good mixture of protein, vegetables/fruit, whole grains, etc.
3) Avoid over-planning with meals, exercise. I think this is causing me stress because if I don't stick to my plan I feel bad and think about ways to correct this, etc. I want to have a loose plan-dinner ideas, lunch ideas, etc, as well as fitness classes, exercise options for week-but I also want to listen to my body. One day I might be more hungry and might eat more than planned (one day I could also be less hungry and eat less than planned). I might feel I need a rest day or that I need to be flexible and change my exercise routine to elliptical instead of running one day depending on how my body feels.
4) Forgive myself. This goes along with the last goal. If I do have an idea in my mind of how the day will go and I don't follow it, I want to be able to let it go and move on-not dwell on it.
5) Get adequate rest (this includes sleep) and find ways/activities to de-stress-this includes making time for journaling/blogging, stretching, reading, watching a favorite TV show, and I'm also looking into meditation. For some reason, when I started to diet last year I felt I needed to be doing something that I deemed "productive" at almost every point of the day or I felt I was being lazy/waste of space. This made me very stressed, anxious, and overall overwhelmed because my "to do" lists were so long and I just couldn't every get everything done that I felt I needed to achieve. Well, today I'm allowing myself time for that relaxation and I think it's just what I needed. :-)
Some pics from yesterday:
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