Internal vs External

I can't remember exactly when I first started to really start embracing group fitness classes at the gym. I believe it was sometime last Fall and I gradually started adding classes that fit in my schedule.

I do remember that when I first started going to some I was still very thin-not at my thinnest, but still nearly 15-17 pounds smaller than I am now. I remember sometimes feeling so "light" in the more cardio focused classes like Tabata. I wanted to hang onto that "light" feeling that I had when I was thin. But I also remember that my energy level was so much lower than it is now and I wasn't nearly as strong. I would sometimes fight the light headed feeling-I especially remember this happening at Zumba on Friday nights when I had pushed myself all week and just couldn't push myself anymore. That 55 minute Zumba class felt so long.

I lost the "light" feeling when I gained weight. I lost a little speed on my runs. But, the strength I feel now is so much better than what I lost. Tonight in my Friday night Zumba class (as well as the last couple of months) I am shocked at how short the class feels, even after running in the afternoon and attending a Spin class in the morning. I no longer restrict calories or under-fuel. Sure, I'm not as fast on my runs, but I'm not miserable, and most of the time really enjoy running. And when I'm not exercising, it feels great to not be obsessing about weight loss. I still face bad body image, but I'm realizing that my healthy is not a skinny body. It's too hard for me to sustain and I just didn't feel good. Sometimes I miss having a flat stomach, or visible abs, or slimmer legs, or being able to go to any clothing store and find clothes that fit. But, I am learning to value the internal-the feeling I get from being my healthy self, which is not skinny, or small, but is strong-versus the external.

So, now that I've realized that "feeling good" is pretty great, the next phase I have to work on is the guilt. I have guilt for gaining back weight that I lost and still feel a very deep rooted sense that I'm not good enough. I still battle the "waste of space" feelings. I know that this has more to do with weight-weight and body is just something I have projected my feelings on-and something I feel I can change. Trying my best to work through these feelings and find some answers as I strive for health and balance in my life. 

Intuitive Eating: Chapter 5

The fifth chapter of Intuitive Eating introduces the first principle of intuitive eating: Reject the Diet Mentality.

As much as I want to believe that I was just making healthy lifestyle changes over the past year and a half, there was also a period of time, a somewhat long period of time, that I really was in a diet mentality. I wanted the extra weight off quickly and I felt my eating had to be very very controlled. I basically forgot how to eat "normal" during this time because my thinking had become so warped.

This chapter explains the diet void and how people often use dieting as a way to cope with life, fill up their time, or to use as control over your life. I think I used dieting for all of these reasons. Things in my life aren't exactly going smoothly right now, and since my weight was getting more and more out of control I wanted to do something quickly and I wanted a sense of accomplishment. I wanted something in my life to go right, because it felt like everything else wasn't. I also had good intentions-I wanted to feel better, feel like myself again, establish healthy habits for my present and future, etc. The dieting void means having to give up the thrill and excitement of dieting, and yes, in some ways dieting did bring me some excitement at first and I loved seeing the number on the scale go down. It has been hard to let that go.

Psuedo-dieting is also explained in this chapter. Basically, you think you have rejected the dieting mindset, but are still practicing unconscious dieting which could be:
-counting carbohydrate grams closely
-eating only "safe" foods (fat-free or low-cal)
-eating only at certain times of day
-paying penance for eating "bad" foods
-cutting back on food
-pacifying hunger by drinking coffee or diet soda
-limiting carbohydrates
-putting on a "false food" face in public
-competing with someone else who is dieting
-second-guessing or judging what you deserve to eat.

I have been guilty of many of those acts on the list. I don't meticulously count carbohydrate grams now, but I think I am conscious of what is high/low carb for the most part. I am breaking free of "safe" foods, though I still have my favorite "go to" foods. I am working on not second-guessing all my food choices and while I still have some work to do, I'm making progress.

The authors point out the dieter's dilemma, which is a great graphic, depicting the dieting trap that so many people fall into. First, it starts with a desire to be thin, then you go on a diet, this is followed by cravings and reduced self-control, then you have a loss of control and overeat which leads to regain of the lost weight.
I definitely have fell victim of the dieting dilemma at several points in my life. The yo-yoing is no fun at all.

I especially liked the steps outlined for rejecting the diet mentality:

• Step 1: Recognize and Acknowledge the Damage that Dieting Causes
• The body considers dieting a form of starvation
• Chronic dieting teaches the body to retain more fat when you start eating again
• Chronic dieting slows the rate of weight loss with each successive attempt to diet
• Decreased metabolism
• Increased binges and cravings 
• Increased risk of premature death and heart disease
• Causes satiety cues to atrophy
• Causes body shape to change (tend to regain weight in the abdominal area)

 After putting myself through a strict diet for many months I regret damaging my body the way I did.  I'm sure I've harmed my metabolism and now weight loss will be a bigger challenge for me in the future. Initially after dieting I did have increased cravings, but thankfully now I don't really have an issue with that. I definitely had trouble with satiety cues during and immediately after the dieting process. I would say I probably do carry more weight in my abdominal area than I would like, but before losing weight I had a lot more weight around my middle, so it's hard to say if my body shape is really permanently in a "changed" state.

• Step 2: Be Aware of Diet Mentality Traits and Thinking
• Forget willpower
• Dieting is an attempt to ignore natural desires and replace those desires with rules
• Dieting becomes a set of rigid rules which can trigger rebellion = overeating

• Forget being obedient
• Nobody can be the expert of "you"-you should be responsible for when, what, and how much of eating

• Forget about failure
• Diet mentality reinforces feelings of success or failure

 I'm definitely tired of trying to have enough willpower to diet. I'm also tired of following a set of food rules and feeling like a failure if I don't follow the rules perfectly. It's just too hard and exhausting!

• Step 3: Get Rid of the Dieter's Tools
• The scale as a false idol
• A "good" or "bad" scale # can both trigger overeating-congratulatory eating or can trigger a consolation party
• A scale ritual can sabotage mind and body efforts

• When a pound is not a pound
• Scales do no reflect body composition
• Fluid shifts in body

I do still weigh myself, but try not to weigh myself as often. Usually once during the week and once on the weekend. I do this mainly to see if I'm maintaining or gaining, and though I'm still unhappy with the number I see on the scale, I'm tying to not let it define my level of happiness or how I feel about myself. This is a challenge for me!

• Step 4: Be Compassionate Toward Yourself

This is so important! I feel through dieting I did gain some confidence, but I also gained even more self-hatred, because as I lost weight I just kept thinking the lower number still wasn't low enough and I kept finding more flaws or ways I could be better. It is so important to be kind toward yourself. I feel at the beginning of my weight loss journey I was kind to myself and really started out on the right foot, but after a couple months things took a turn for the worse for me and I no longer was nice to myself.

I think I'm on the right path to adopting this principle and I've been trying to change my way of thinking for awhile now. At first, I think I liked the idea of rejecting the diet mentality, but felt there was no way I could let it go completely because I felt something was wrong with me and I needed to stay on a diet to try to control my eating habits. I'm now trying to not be so hard on myself, trust myself with establishing better eating habits, and being compassionate toward myself so I don't live in a constant state of self-hate.

Perfectionism

As a child I was often told by family members that I was a perfectionist. In some ways I could see what they were talking about, but I always thought I was really laid back about some things, while hard on myself about other things.

As an adult I always laughed if someone put this label on me. "How can I be a perfectionist if I'm not good at anything I try?" I remember being asked once at a really uncomfortable counseling session to list some things that I felt I was good at, or that was a strength and I couldn't come up with one single thing.

Well after listening to a great podcast, "Progress, not Perfection: Managing Habits, Perfectionist Thoughts, Procrastination, Binge Eating, Anxiety, Stress, and Body Image", I realized that I do have some perfectionist traits. It is definitely more than actually being high achieving! When I think of my "all or nothing" thinking it completely fits with the perfectionist type. I also read through Huffington Post's "14 Signs Your Perfection Your Perfectionism Has Gotten Out of Control" and while I did not fit every description, I did feel some traits applied to me.

Many perfectionists struggle with black and white thinking-success or failure and I know that I've struggled with this. I've been trying to catch myself in these thoughts more lately. It is easy to regard my recent weight gain as a "failure" because the "success" I had with weight loss gave me results that were measurable which gave me a peace of mind. But my means of reaching the "success" weren't healthy or sustainable so I know I can't completely regard all of my weight loss as a success. And some of the weight gain that I've had recently has been healthy for my body and mind, so it isn't entirely a failure. But, sometimes I still fight to not regard myself as a failure because of it!


The Huffington Post article mentioned that a guilty soul as a perfectionist trait, and this really rings true for me, especially in my recent journaling practices. I've found that when sorting through my feelings, I commonly write about guilt and shame-whether that be related to body image issues, work, school, just myself. This can be very difficult to shake. With body image, I know I can't reach good body image until I do not feel shame towards my body, but I have yet to reach that point where I don't feel shame. That is something I am definitely needing to focus on.

Intuitive Eating: Chapter 4

Chapter 4, "Awakening the Intuitive Eater: Stages" introduces exactly that, the stages of beginning intuitive eating. This chapter points out that intuitive eating is a process and that it is not linear (I am definitely finding this out!)

The following stages are explained:

Stage One: Readiness-Hitting Diet Bottom
Basically you are tired of being tied to the scale, worrying about food, have a negative body image, think and worry about food all the time, etc.
Speaking for myself, I believe I have hit diet bottom which is why I chose to start an intuitive eating journey.

Stage Two: Exploration-Conscious Learning and Pursuit of Pleasure
This is a stage of hyperconsciousness where you reacquaint yourself with intuitive signals. You begin to make peace with food by giving yourself unconditional permission to eat and get rid of guilt-induced eating. This involves honoring your hunger, recognizing body signals, and respecting fullness. A point is made that this exploration stage is not the eating patterns you want to establish for a lifetime.
This is currently the stage that I'm in. I'm just starting to explore intuitive eating and learning how to eat what I want (within reason) without guilt. I don't quite trust myself yet, but I'm learning, and I'm hopeful that it will get easier.

Stage Three-Crystallization
At this stage thoughts about food are no longer obsessive and eating decisions do not require as much directed thought. There is a greater sense of trust in food choice, biological hunger is separated from emotional hunger, and you can experience feelings without the use of food.
I can't wait to reach this point!

Stage Four-The Intuitive Eater Awakens
At this stage you should have a comfortable, free-flowing eating style and it is easier to stop eating when comfortably full. You realize that eating healthier foods make you feel better and you have less of a need for the formally "forbidden" foods. There is an acceptance of body and shape and your body is on its way to approaching a natural weight.
I hope to reach this point.

Stage Five-The Final Stage-Treasure the Pleasure
At this stage it is easier to honor and respect fullness, you have given up using food to cope with emotions, eating is a source of pleasure vs affliction, you exercise to feel better, nutrition makes you feel physically good and healthy, and weigh settles to a natural states.

This process doesn't happen quickly and I realize I may be at the exploration stage for awhile. I'm willing to spend more time on this process!

Monday Thoughts

Some days I feel like I'm starting to get in a somewhat good place in regards to my health and body image. But, I know I am easily shaken and not confident yet after a conversation today with a family member.

My situation is interesting as just a little over a year and a half ago I was close to obese and had a very bad bingeing, emotional overeating habit. Then I decided to lose weight and ended up losing a little too much and going too far with that. Because of my history of overeating and past weight issues I still have family members that are concerned that I will return to my overweight state. I sometimes get scared too, but I've been gaining confidence that I won't quite be the same as I was then, even if my weight isn't in an ideal range, because I have formed quite a few healthy habits over the past year or so that I don't want to give up.

I was discussing my issues with anxiety with a family member tonight and was reminded that I turn to food when I'm not really hungry and more so due to quiet an anxious stomach. This is true sometimes, but sometimes I do truly think that I'm hungry. Or maybe I'm not...maybe I can't tell the difference any more. I'm just not sure. Basically the conversation left me questioning my hunger cues and eating habits again and the amount of fuel I need for myself. I was reminded that I did the same activity and sometimes more with less food 4-5 months ago. I was left feeling that I'm eating more than I need to and that now I am once again in the same boat I was 1 1/2 years ago where I need to start being concerned about eating too much.

In some ways this is fine, because throughout life we will have to examine our eating patterns and give ourselves little reality checks. It's normal to have to adjust eating patterns and to try to make healthy changes. I guess I'm just left feeling especially uncomfortable tonight because my recent decision to switch to all intuitive eating is starting to seem like a bad idea....like maybe I need to go back to counting calories and points again to get myself to a more ideal weight range.

In some ways this conversation left me feeling validated in a really odd way. Like, "yes, those worries and fears that you've been having that you are starting to become overweight again are true, others are seeing it as well and are concerned. You will always have to watch your calories closely because you will always have a weight problem-it's just an issue you have to accept. If you really want to be your best self, you need to lose those 10-15 pounds and work harder than ever to keep that weight off. Life is hard, get over it. You are weak for gaining weight back and failed miserably at a lifestyle change."

But then I was also left with thoughts of sadness because I desperately want to just like and accept myself for where I'm at now, acknowledge it's not necessarily a permanent state, and changes could be made, but this extra weight doesn't mean I necessarily have a big problem. I like that I have one less thing to think about with points/calories counting. I like being a little more flexible.

But I don't like the thought of other people judging me negatively or family members being concerned that I'm going down a dangerous path with weight gain again. I know it was hard for my mom to see me gain 25 pounds in a short amount of time a couple years ago. I had never been obese as a child or teen and it was definitely not my normal state.

I have this strong desire to not disappoint others, but then I also have this pull in another direction of just wanting to be happy for "me" and accept myself, flaws and all. It's definitely a tough mental state to be in now.

I've considered maybe going back to point counting for a month, planning more physical activity on the weekends, and then from there make a decision to jump back into intuitive eating in baby steps-maybe a couple days a week again.

I'm not sure, but tonight I'm left feeling defeated, embarrassed, ashamed, and confused. Just when I think I'm making process on the mental aspect, I'm made aware that in the physical sense my health is declining. I wish it could all be in synch and I'm worried it may never be in synch for me.

Looking Back

In order for me to fully understand what possibly led to my weight gain and bingeing habits, and subsequent extreme dieting, I've realized I need to look back on my history of eating and also at my formation of body image issues. I'm at a healthy weight right now, but I fear that I could fall back into unhealthy patterns if I don't fully examine the issues I've had.

Thinking back on it, there are several things that stick out in my mind relating to body image. And probably more that will come to me, the more I think about it.

I know that as a young child I didn't really have many eating issues. I was told by my mom that I did have a habit of eating some foods repeatedly without much variety when I was really young (something I still do sometimes, ha!) but besides that (which I can't remember) I don't remember having a weird relationship with food. I did always love sugar, and I maybe started associating food with comfort, but I don't think it was anything extreme or unusual. I was not really thin or overweight as a child-I was in the "healthy" range and medium size. I started taking ballet lessons when I was 6 years old. I remember falling in love with dance almost instantly. It set off a spark in me and I was hooked. Dance lessons became a part of my weekly routine and was a big part of my life. Surprisingly, even with an entire wall of mirrors, and wearing spandex leotards and tights all the time, I do not remember analyzing the size of my body or really critiquing my body compared to other girls in the class as a child. At least it doesn't stick out in my mind. This could have been because my body type was in the middle range and I didn't really stick out and I just blended in.

Some things I do remember from childhood are knowing my mom's weight. I remember that she would comment on her own-though not mine. I do remember that there were times at dinner that my mom would be eating her dinner off of a dessert size plate while my dad and I ate off a normal size dinner plate. I also remember my mom critiquing her size quite a bit, comments about how she felt she "looked fat" etc. My mom was always thin so these comments always seemed strange to me but at the time I don't remember really thinking that I should be concerned too. Interestingly, several of her family members were also overly critical of their bodies like this (while still being thin), including her sister and my grandfather.

I remember that 5th or 6th grade was when I first decided I needed to diet. I have been trying to remember what made me decide to start dieting and I can't remember. But something must have triggered it and I remember really liking the feeling of controlling my food intake. I didn't count calories or anything, but I tried to just cut down my food intake or skip meals altogether. I would do this for a few days, but then I would get back to more normal eating patterns, and then repeat the cycle again. I remember at one point hiding food and my mom being really upset about it when she figured out what I had been doing, but the rest of my memories are a little spotty from the grade school days. I do know that around the time of 5th or 6th grade I was no longer one of the medium sized girls in ballet, I was thin. I liked seeing certain bones showing (horrible to say now but I remember that) and I remember body checking all the time, especially my arms. It was also around this time that other girls in class became more concerned about their weight. I can't help but wonder if I was just trying to fit in.

I have one distinct memory that sticks in my mind. I was in 6th grade (the end of the year) and had made the junior high pom squad. This was super exciting for me because I hadn't really tried out for anything before and I wanted to be a part of something at school-and it was dance which was something I was comfortable with. After making the team we were given a sheet of exercises which was called "conditioning" and we were told to do the conditioning exercises (weights, crunches, etc) for 3 days a week in addition to our practices. I'm usually one to follow through on directions so I asked my mom to buy me weights and I started doing those conditioning exercises. By this point it was summer and I remember I would be out swimming in the pool with my cousins but would say I had to go inside to do my conditioning exercises. I remember being so darn dedicated to the conditioning and decided to add more reps when I could or additional days. I would say I probably went above what was "required" and felt guilty if I didn't get those exercises completed! On top of those exercises I had my 3-4 nights of dance classes and also dance team practices. I was very busy and very active, and probably didn't need to do any of those "conditioning" exercises at all.

That same summer our team went to a dance camp at a college that was about a week long. This was my first time going away from home without my parents and I experienced some home sickness and didn't handle it all really well. But, I still learned the routines, worked hard for the blue ribbons, and overall was successful with it. We danced all day and then practiced in the dorms most of the night so it was a lot of activity. And I remember being so nervous and homesick I could barely eat at all. That summer I definitely did lose a little weight-especially with the new focus on conditioning and the extra activity with the pom squad. Another distinct memory I have from this time is shortly after camp, my grandpa, mom, and a few other family members commented on my thinness and how great I looked. That definitely set something in my brain then-because honestly that memory is so distinct. I thought, "ok, so I need to be thin to look good." So I continued to closely monitor and watch my weight after entering junior high.

More thoughts on this to come...because I think it's interesting to see how some of views are formed and how we can work on challenging them.

Intuitive Eating: Chapter 3

 

Chapter 3, "Principles of Intuitive Eating: Overview", introduces the 10 core principles of Intuitive Eating that are described in more detail later in the book.  

The 10 principles of Intuitive Eating are:

1) Reject the Diet Mentality

Thoughts: I realize there is no short cut to long term, lasting weight loss, but I always tend to think I need to be on a diet to really lose weight. It's a weird guilt feeling that I "should be" dieting because my body isn't thin enough. I'm working to change my mind set on this!

2) Honor Your Hunger

Thoughts: I am eager to change my ways and truly listen to biological hunger cues! I am already working on this.

3)  Make Peace with Food

Thoughts: This is a tough one because during the time I was bingeing frequently I developed feelings of guilt around food and I continued to experience guilt with food when I started dieting last year. I still get feelings of guilt when I eat certain things, and I want to break free of those thoughts! I think removing the guilt will help end some of unhealthy eating patterns (yo-yo dieting, bingeing, restricting, etc).

4) Challenge the Food Police

Thoughts: The voices in our head that tell us "good" and "bad" regarding food are so hard to shake when through the media and through family we hear these messages all the time. It can be so hard to silence these thoughts which often lead to guilt, doubt, uncertainty around food. This principle is a big challenge for me.

5) Feel Your Fullness

Thoughts: I recently started a food journal where I track my fullness level/satisfaction after meals, snacks, etc and I'm finding it helpful. I find myself slowing down and really trying to recognize satisfaction. Sometimes this means stopping before my plate is clear and sometimes it means needing more food than I thought. 

6) Discover the Satisfaction Factor

Thoughts: This principle is so important. For most of last year I tried to cut down oils/fats from my meals and this left quite a few of my meals very bland. I developed some fears over oil, but thankfully I am cooking with oil and incorporating fats (within moderation) into my meals now and upping the satisfaction factor.

7) Cope with Your Emotions Without Using Food

Thoughts: This is a work in progress for me. I've been working on finding other coping mechanisms besides food and trying to learn to really feel my feelings. It is hard and I struggle with this a lot. Some days I feel in control, other days I don't. I hope with time I will continue to get better.

8) Respect Your Body

Thoughts: I do not have the best body image, but I'm working on this. I am trying to learn to accept my body type and appreciate my imperfections. This is a big challenge for me because I catch myself saying negative things about my body all the time. If I continue to hate my body this will only lead me to more unhealthy eating patterns. I really really need to work on changing my thoughts.

9) Exercise-Feel the Difference

Thoughts: Learning to love exercise for the way it makes me feel, vs constantly feeling like I have to exercise "x" amount of hours each day to earn my food, snacks, etc is something I'm working on. I put a lot of pressure on myself with exercise. I started to hate running because each time I ran, if I didn't meet my pace or distance from a previous run or do better, than I bashed myself with negative self talk. The past few times I've ran I've let the thoughts of "must do better" go and I'm starting to enjoy it again. I'm trying to really appreciate exercise for all its benefits, not just "calorie burn" and "leaning out." Once again, a challenge, and a work in progress. It's easy for me to switch a calorie cutting focus to an exercise more focus.

10) Honor Your Health-Gentle Nutrition

Thoughts: This is definitely an important principle. When we eat healthier foods and honor our taste buds we feel better. I'm learning that there is no "perfect" that is necessary to be healthy. 

So there are the 10 principles! I'm going to continue to work on practicing these principles and will share more thoughts on each one.