Internal vs External

I can't remember exactly when I first started to really start embracing group fitness classes at the gym. I believe it was sometime last Fall and I gradually started adding classes that fit in my schedule.

I do remember that when I first started going to some I was still very thin-not at my thinnest, but still nearly 15-17 pounds smaller than I am now. I remember sometimes feeling so "light" in the more cardio focused classes like Tabata. I wanted to hang onto that "light" feeling that I had when I was thin. But I also remember that my energy level was so much lower than it is now and I wasn't nearly as strong. I would sometimes fight the light headed feeling-I especially remember this happening at Zumba on Friday nights when I had pushed myself all week and just couldn't push myself anymore. That 55 minute Zumba class felt so long.

I lost the "light" feeling when I gained weight. I lost a little speed on my runs. But, the strength I feel now is so much better than what I lost. Tonight in my Friday night Zumba class (as well as the last couple of months) I am shocked at how short the class feels, even after running in the afternoon and attending a Spin class in the morning. I no longer restrict calories or under-fuel. Sure, I'm not as fast on my runs, but I'm not miserable, and most of the time really enjoy running. And when I'm not exercising, it feels great to not be obsessing about weight loss. I still face bad body image, but I'm realizing that my healthy is not a skinny body. It's too hard for me to sustain and I just didn't feel good. Sometimes I miss having a flat stomach, or visible abs, or slimmer legs, or being able to go to any clothing store and find clothes that fit. But, I am learning to value the internal-the feeling I get from being my healthy self, which is not skinny, or small, but is strong-versus the external.

So, now that I've realized that "feeling good" is pretty great, the next phase I have to work on is the guilt. I have guilt for gaining back weight that I lost and still feel a very deep rooted sense that I'm not good enough. I still battle the "waste of space" feelings. I know that this has more to do with weight-weight and body is just something I have projected my feelings on-and something I feel I can change. Trying my best to work through these feelings and find some answers as I strive for health and balance in my life.