Some days I feel like I'm starting to get in a somewhat good place in regards to my health and body image. But, I know I am easily shaken and not confident yet after a conversation today with a family member.
My situation is interesting as just a little over a year and a half ago I was close to obese and had a very bad bingeing, emotional overeating habit. Then I decided to lose weight and ended up losing a little too much and going too far with that. Because of my history of overeating and past weight issues I still have family members that are concerned that I will return to my overweight state. I sometimes get scared too, but I've been gaining confidence that I won't quite be the same as I was then, even if my weight isn't in an ideal range, because I have formed quite a few healthy habits over the past year or so that I don't want to give up.
I was discussing my issues with anxiety with a family member tonight and was reminded that I turn to food when I'm not really hungry and more so due to quiet an anxious stomach. This is true sometimes, but sometimes I do truly think that I'm hungry. Or maybe I'm not...maybe I can't tell the difference any more. I'm just not sure. Basically the conversation left me questioning my hunger cues and eating habits again and the amount of fuel I need for myself. I was reminded that I did the same activity and sometimes more with less food 4-5 months ago. I was left feeling that I'm eating more than I need to and that now I am once again in the same boat I was 1 1/2 years ago where I need to start being concerned about eating too much.
In some ways this is fine, because throughout life we will have to examine our eating patterns and give ourselves little reality checks. It's normal to have to adjust eating patterns and to try to make healthy changes. I guess I'm just left feeling especially uncomfortable tonight because my recent decision to switch to all intuitive eating is starting to seem like a bad idea....like maybe I need to go back to counting calories and points again to get myself to a more ideal weight range.
In some ways this conversation left me feeling validated in a really odd way. Like, "yes, those worries and fears that you've been having that you are starting to become overweight again are true, others are seeing it as well and are concerned. You will always have to watch your calories closely because you will always have a weight problem-it's just an issue you have to accept. If you really want to be your best self, you need to lose those 10-15 pounds and work harder than ever to keep that weight off. Life is hard, get over it. You are weak for gaining weight back and failed miserably at a lifestyle change."
But then I was also left with thoughts of sadness because I desperately want to just like and accept myself for where I'm at now, acknowledge it's not necessarily a permanent state, and changes could be made, but this extra weight doesn't mean I necessarily have a big problem. I like that I have one less thing to think about with points/calories counting. I like being a little more flexible.
But I don't like the thought of other people judging me negatively or family members being concerned that I'm going down a dangerous path with weight gain again. I know it was hard for my mom to see me gain 25 pounds in a short amount of time a couple years ago. I had never been obese as a child or teen and it was definitely not my normal state.
I have this strong desire to not disappoint others, but then I also have this pull in another direction of just wanting to be happy for "me" and accept myself, flaws and all. It's definitely a tough mental state to be in now.
I've considered maybe going back to point counting for a month, planning more physical activity on the weekends, and then from there make a decision to jump back into intuitive eating in baby steps-maybe a couple days a week again.
I'm not sure, but tonight I'm left feeling defeated, embarrassed, ashamed, and confused. Just when I think I'm making process on the mental aspect, I'm made aware that in the physical sense my health is declining. I wish it could all be in synch and I'm worried it may never be in synch for me.
Monday, August 31, 2015
Friday, August 28, 2015
Looking Back
In order for me to fully understand what possibly led to my weight gain and bingeing habits, and subsequent extreme dieting, I've realized I need to look back on my history of eating and also at my formation of body image issues. I'm at a healthy weight right now, but I fear that I could fall back into unhealthy patterns if I don't fully examine the issues I've had.
Thinking back on it, there are several things that stick out in my mind relating to body image. And probably more that will come to me, the more I think about it.
I know that as a young child I didn't really have many eating issues. I was told by my mom that I did have a habit of eating some foods repeatedly without much variety when I was really young (something I still do sometimes, ha!) but besides that (which I can't remember) I don't remember having a weird relationship with food. I did always love sugar, and I maybe started associating food with comfort, but I don't think it was anything extreme or unusual. I was not really thin or overweight as a child-I was in the "healthy" range and medium size. I started taking ballet lessons when I was 6 years old. I remember falling in love with dance almost instantly. It set off a spark in me and I was hooked. Dance lessons became a part of my weekly routine and was a big part of my life. Surprisingly, even with an entire wall of mirrors, and wearing spandex leotards and tights all the time, I do not remember analyzing the size of my body or really critiquing my body compared to other girls in the class as a child. At least it doesn't stick out in my mind. This could have been because my body type was in the middle range and I didn't really stick out and I just blended in.
Some things I do remember from childhood are knowing my mom's weight. I remember that she would comment on her own-though not mine. I do remember that there were times at dinner that my mom would be eating her dinner off of a dessert size plate while my dad and I ate off a normal size dinner plate. I also remember my mom critiquing her size quite a bit, comments about how she felt she "looked fat" etc. My mom was always thin so these comments always seemed strange to me but at the time I don't remember really thinking that I should be concerned too. Interestingly, several of her family members were also overly critical of their bodies like this (while still being thin), including her sister and my grandfather.
I remember that 5th or 6th grade was when I first decided I needed to diet. I have been trying to remember what made me decide to start dieting and I can't remember. But something must have triggered it and I remember really liking the feeling of controlling my food intake. I didn't count calories or anything, but I tried to just cut down my food intake or skip meals altogether. I would do this for a few days, but then I would get back to more normal eating patterns, and then repeat the cycle again. I remember at one point hiding food and my mom being really upset about it when she figured out what I had been doing, but the rest of my memories are a little spotty from the grade school days. I do know that around the time of 5th or 6th grade I was no longer one of the medium sized girls in ballet, I was thin. I liked seeing certain bones showing (horrible to say now but I remember that) and I remember body checking all the time, especially my arms. It was also around this time that other girls in class became more concerned about their weight. I can't help but wonder if I was just trying to fit in.
I have one distinct memory that sticks in my mind. I was in 6th grade (the end of the year) and had made the junior high pom squad. This was super exciting for me because I hadn't really tried out for anything before and I wanted to be a part of something at school-and it was dance which was something I was comfortable with. After making the team we were given a sheet of exercises which was called "conditioning" and we were told to do the conditioning exercises (weights, crunches, etc) for 3 days a week in addition to our practices. I'm usually one to follow through on directions so I asked my mom to buy me weights and I started doing those conditioning exercises. By this point it was summer and I remember I would be out swimming in the pool with my cousins but would say I had to go inside to do my conditioning exercises. I remember being so darn dedicated to the conditioning and decided to add more reps when I could or additional days. I would say I probably went above what was "required" and felt guilty if I didn't get those exercises completed! On top of those exercises I had my 3-4 nights of dance classes and also dance team practices. I was very busy and very active, and probably didn't need to do any of those "conditioning" exercises at all.
That same summer our team went to a dance camp at a college that was about a week long. This was my first time going away from home without my parents and I experienced some home sickness and didn't handle it all really well. But, I still learned the routines, worked hard for the blue ribbons, and overall was successful with it. We danced all day and then practiced in the dorms most of the night so it was a lot of activity. And I remember being so nervous and homesick I could barely eat at all. That summer I definitely did lose a little weight-especially with the new focus on conditioning and the extra activity with the pom squad. Another distinct memory I have from this time is shortly after camp, my grandpa, mom, and a few other family members commented on my thinness and how great I looked. That definitely set something in my brain then-because honestly that memory is so distinct. I thought, "ok, so I need to be thin to look good." So I continued to closely monitor and watch my weight after entering junior high.
More thoughts on this to come...because I think it's interesting to see how some of views are formed and how we can work on challenging them.
Thinking back on it, there are several things that stick out in my mind relating to body image. And probably more that will come to me, the more I think about it.
I know that as a young child I didn't really have many eating issues. I was told by my mom that I did have a habit of eating some foods repeatedly without much variety when I was really young (something I still do sometimes, ha!) but besides that (which I can't remember) I don't remember having a weird relationship with food. I did always love sugar, and I maybe started associating food with comfort, but I don't think it was anything extreme or unusual. I was not really thin or overweight as a child-I was in the "healthy" range and medium size. I started taking ballet lessons when I was 6 years old. I remember falling in love with dance almost instantly. It set off a spark in me and I was hooked. Dance lessons became a part of my weekly routine and was a big part of my life. Surprisingly, even with an entire wall of mirrors, and wearing spandex leotards and tights all the time, I do not remember analyzing the size of my body or really critiquing my body compared to other girls in the class as a child. At least it doesn't stick out in my mind. This could have been because my body type was in the middle range and I didn't really stick out and I just blended in.
Some things I do remember from childhood are knowing my mom's weight. I remember that she would comment on her own-though not mine. I do remember that there were times at dinner that my mom would be eating her dinner off of a dessert size plate while my dad and I ate off a normal size dinner plate. I also remember my mom critiquing her size quite a bit, comments about how she felt she "looked fat" etc. My mom was always thin so these comments always seemed strange to me but at the time I don't remember really thinking that I should be concerned too. Interestingly, several of her family members were also overly critical of their bodies like this (while still being thin), including her sister and my grandfather.
I remember that 5th or 6th grade was when I first decided I needed to diet. I have been trying to remember what made me decide to start dieting and I can't remember. But something must have triggered it and I remember really liking the feeling of controlling my food intake. I didn't count calories or anything, but I tried to just cut down my food intake or skip meals altogether. I would do this for a few days, but then I would get back to more normal eating patterns, and then repeat the cycle again. I remember at one point hiding food and my mom being really upset about it when she figured out what I had been doing, but the rest of my memories are a little spotty from the grade school days. I do know that around the time of 5th or 6th grade I was no longer one of the medium sized girls in ballet, I was thin. I liked seeing certain bones showing (horrible to say now but I remember that) and I remember body checking all the time, especially my arms. It was also around this time that other girls in class became more concerned about their weight. I can't help but wonder if I was just trying to fit in.
I have one distinct memory that sticks in my mind. I was in 6th grade (the end of the year) and had made the junior high pom squad. This was super exciting for me because I hadn't really tried out for anything before and I wanted to be a part of something at school-and it was dance which was something I was comfortable with. After making the team we were given a sheet of exercises which was called "conditioning" and we were told to do the conditioning exercises (weights, crunches, etc) for 3 days a week in addition to our practices. I'm usually one to follow through on directions so I asked my mom to buy me weights and I started doing those conditioning exercises. By this point it was summer and I remember I would be out swimming in the pool with my cousins but would say I had to go inside to do my conditioning exercises. I remember being so darn dedicated to the conditioning and decided to add more reps when I could or additional days. I would say I probably went above what was "required" and felt guilty if I didn't get those exercises completed! On top of those exercises I had my 3-4 nights of dance classes and also dance team practices. I was very busy and very active, and probably didn't need to do any of those "conditioning" exercises at all.
That same summer our team went to a dance camp at a college that was about a week long. This was my first time going away from home without my parents and I experienced some home sickness and didn't handle it all really well. But, I still learned the routines, worked hard for the blue ribbons, and overall was successful with it. We danced all day and then practiced in the dorms most of the night so it was a lot of activity. And I remember being so nervous and homesick I could barely eat at all. That summer I definitely did lose a little weight-especially with the new focus on conditioning and the extra activity with the pom squad. Another distinct memory I have from this time is shortly after camp, my grandpa, mom, and a few other family members commented on my thinness and how great I looked. That definitely set something in my brain then-because honestly that memory is so distinct. I thought, "ok, so I need to be thin to look good." So I continued to closely monitor and watch my weight after entering junior high.
More thoughts on this to come...because I think it's interesting to see how some of views are formed and how we can work on challenging them.
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
Intuitive Eating: Chapter 3
Chapter 3, "Principles of Intuitive Eating: Overview", introduces the 10 core principles of Intuitive Eating that are described in more detail later in the book.
The 10 principles of Intuitive Eating are:
1) Reject the Diet Mentality
Thoughts: I realize there is no short cut to long term, lasting weight loss, but I always tend to think I need to be on a diet to really lose weight. It's a weird guilt feeling that I "should be" dieting because my body isn't thin enough. I'm working to change my mind set on this!
2) Honor Your Hunger
Thoughts: I am eager to change my ways and truly listen to biological hunger cues! I am already working on this.
3) Make Peace with Food
Thoughts: This is a tough one because during the time I was bingeing frequently I developed feelings of guilt around food and I continued to experience guilt with food when I started dieting last year. I still get feelings of guilt when I eat certain things, and I want to break free of those thoughts! I think removing the guilt will help end some of unhealthy eating patterns (yo-yo dieting, bingeing, restricting, etc).
4) Challenge the Food Police
Thoughts: The voices in our head that tell us "good" and "bad" regarding food are so hard to shake when through the media and through family we hear these messages all the time. It can be so hard to silence these thoughts which often lead to guilt, doubt, uncertainty around food. This principle is a big challenge for me.
5) Feel Your Fullness
Thoughts: I recently started a food journal where I track my fullness level/satisfaction after meals, snacks, etc and I'm finding it helpful. I find myself slowing down and really trying to recognize satisfaction. Sometimes this means stopping before my plate is clear and sometimes it means needing more food than I thought.
6) Discover the Satisfaction Factor
Thoughts: This principle is so important. For most of last year I tried to cut down oils/fats from my meals and this left quite a few of my meals very bland. I developed some fears over oil, but thankfully I am cooking with oil and incorporating fats (within moderation) into my meals now and upping the satisfaction factor.
7) Cope with Your Emotions Without Using Food
Thoughts: This is a work in progress for me. I've been working on finding other coping mechanisms besides food and trying to learn to really feel my feelings. It is hard and I struggle with this a lot. Some days I feel in control, other days I don't. I hope with time I will continue to get better.
8) Respect Your Body
Thoughts: I do not have the best body image, but I'm working on this. I am trying to learn to accept my body type and appreciate my imperfections. This is a big challenge for me because I catch myself saying negative things about my body all the time. If I continue to hate my body this will only lead me to more unhealthy eating patterns. I really really need to work on changing my thoughts.
9) Exercise-Feel the Difference
Thoughts: Learning to love exercise for the way it makes me feel, vs constantly feeling like I have to exercise "x" amount of hours each day to earn my food, snacks, etc is something I'm working on. I put a lot of pressure on myself with exercise. I started to hate running because each time I ran, if I didn't meet my pace or distance from a previous run or do better, than I bashed myself with negative self talk. The past few times I've ran I've let the thoughts of "must do better" go and I'm starting to enjoy it again. I'm trying to really appreciate exercise for all its benefits, not just "calorie burn" and "leaning out." Once again, a challenge, and a work in progress. It's easy for me to switch a calorie cutting focus to an exercise more focus.
10) Honor Your Health-Gentle Nutrition
Thoughts: This is definitely an important principle. When we eat healthier foods and honor our taste buds we feel better. I'm learning that there is no "perfect" that is necessary to be healthy.
So there are the 10 principles! I'm going to continue to work on practicing these principles and will share more thoughts on each one.
Monday, August 24, 2015
Monday Thoughts
This is my first full week not counting calories or counting points. This past weekend I contemplated returning to point counting. I started to get concerned about this week because I will have school on Tuesday and Thursday nights, so I will miss out on 2 hours of exercise I usually do on Tuesday nights and 1 1/2 hours of exercise I usually do on Thursday nights at fitness classes. My classes for school are 3 hours and it doesn't leave much time for exercise. I started to think that due to having less exercise I should start watching points better and cut back to make up for the lower activity. But, then I started to think back to how I felt a couple semesters ago, and even a little bit of last semester, in regards to strict exercise regimens. I wasn't flexible with my routine at all...even when very tired or hungry. I don't really want to go back to that strictness and those horrible feelings of guilt when I missed exercise. Or not wanting to go on vacations, family dinners, other events if I would break my exercise routine. Or scrambling to find ways to make up that exercise time. It just isn't worth it to me. So I decided to continue with intuitive eating practices this week.
I've gradually been easing up on exercise, while still trying to keep active daily. I'm just not putting myself through a strict routine anymore. Tomorrow I do have school in the evening, but I can work out in the morning and that's enough. And if sometimes I miss a workout due to needing more sleep or something else comes up, that's ok too. I'm slowly learning that I can be flexible with my schedule and I need to learn that I can't do it all. I'm tired of negative self-talk over exercise and constantly telling myself I'm not good enough. I just want to exercise to feel good these days.
Instead of focusing on the number on the scale, I'm trying to focus on some positive, healthy choices I make each day.
Here are some positive things from today:
1) I drank a lot of water today
2) I started my day with positive daily affirmations (trying to make this a daily practice).
3) Had balanced meals without counting points or calories
4) Ran 3 miles without worrying about my pace and just let myself enjoy running without any worry.
5) When I felt the urge to make my meals smaller in anticipation of a more sedentary day tomorrow, I talked myself out of the thoughts and stuck to just listening to my hunger cues.
I've gradually been easing up on exercise, while still trying to keep active daily. I'm just not putting myself through a strict routine anymore. Tomorrow I do have school in the evening, but I can work out in the morning and that's enough. And if sometimes I miss a workout due to needing more sleep or something else comes up, that's ok too. I'm slowly learning that I can be flexible with my schedule and I need to learn that I can't do it all. I'm tired of negative self-talk over exercise and constantly telling myself I'm not good enough. I just want to exercise to feel good these days.
Instead of focusing on the number on the scale, I'm trying to focus on some positive, healthy choices I make each day.
Here are some positive things from today:
1) I drank a lot of water today
2) I started my day with positive daily affirmations (trying to make this a daily practice).
3) Had balanced meals without counting points or calories
4) Ran 3 miles without worrying about my pace and just let myself enjoy running without any worry.
5) When I felt the urge to make my meals smaller in anticipation of a more sedentary day tomorrow, I talked myself out of the thoughts and stuck to just listening to my hunger cues.
Sunday, August 23, 2015
Intuitive Eating: Chapter 2
Chapter 2, "What Kind of Eater Are You?", discusses different eating personalities. The eating personalities introduced are:
1) The Careful Dieter: diligent eating, scrutinizes every food situation.
Trigger: fitness and health
-This was definitely me a short while ago and I still want to scrutinize every food situation or feel that I should but I'm trying to not be obsessive over my eating choices.
2) The Professional Dieter: usually a yo-yo dieter, always trying the latest "diet trends", diets, loses weight, gains weight, intermittent binges, and then goes back to dieting
Trigger: Feeling fat
-I have had a history of yo-yo dieting yet I haven't tried any dieting fads. I've basically just stuck to cutting calories when I wanted to lose weight and I would always go a little far with it and ended up gaining weight back
3) The Unconscious Eater: often unaware how much he/she is eating, eating usually paired with another activity
Trigger: Eating while doing something else at the same time
- Chaotic Unconscious Eater: eating style is haphazard, Trigger= overscheduled life
- Refuse-Not Unconscious Eater: vulnerable to candy jars or food at meetings, sitting on kitchen counter, Trigger= Presence of food. I have definitely had difficulty with this in the past!
- Waste-Not Unconscious Eater: person's eating drive is influenced by value of food, Trigger= free food
- Emotional Unconscious Eater: Stress and uncomfortable feelings trigger eating especially when alone. Trigger=Uncomfortable emotions. This is definitely something I've struggled with for years. I've turned to food so many times when stressed and uneasy.
Trigger= biological hunger
After reading this chapter I can definitely see that I fit into several eating personalities. I have been on diets on and off through the years making me a careful eater at times and somewhat of a professional dieter. I also struggle with emotional unconscious eating and refuse-not unconscious eating. I have gained better control of these behaviors over the past year but at times I still turn to food when uncomfortable emotions strike.
I can say going on and off diets and having your weight yo-yo isn't fun so I'm tired of the professional dieter eating patterns I have had. I haven't been a careful eater for very long, but after I started weight watchers I became a very careful eater and was just too strict and rigid with eating plans. The emotional eating means I have to find other ways to work through emotions and find coping mechanisms as well as learn to really feel my feelings versus numbing feelings with food.
Sunday Thoughts
As part of my journey toward better health, I'm trying to incorporate physical activity into my daily life. This doesn't always have to be the gym. Overall, I'm just trying to get out and move more! I'm trying to loosen up my grip on number of hours logged at the gym, strict schedules, etc. I've been trying to remind myself of where I was 2 years ago...barely active at all, to where I was last summer...more activity than I was properly fueled for...to now which is moderately active (comfortable level) with adequate fuel to help me lead the lifestyle I want to live.
A couple of months ago I finally started to allow myself to eat more and not be so strict with point counting/calorie counting, but then I started working out more to try to make up for it. Now, I am laying off the exercise some, giving myself more rest days when needed, and also easing up on the "strict" diet. I sometimes start to worry that this means I am returning to how I was a few years ago when my weight started to climb upwards and the weight gain was getting bad. But, I have to remember that I wasn't active at all then, and I can find a happy medium for myself that isn't sedentary, but also isn't so active that my day revolves around "getting enough exercise."
So yesterday I skipped the gym and headed to a local state park for a nice long (uphill) walk with my mom. It was so nice to spend this time with my mom and appreciate the day. Last summer I was so locked in a dieting mindset and was so moody and extra anxious all the time. The summer before that I probably was not in the physical shape to handle this walk and I was also so upset about my weight gain that I probably would have chosen to just stay at home. I'm still trying to sort out in my mind the extremes that I've had the past couple years and how quickly I snapped from one to the other. I'm still trying to discover the root cause of my eating problems and why I can't find a normal, middle ground. When I stop and think about how I've been doing this week, I do think I've been happier without counting points/calories but I'm also very fearful that it means I'm going to return to my highest weight. I was very unhappy at that weight and felt trapped in that state. So then my mind jumps to..."you need to start counting again and sticking to set calories so you don't gain weight"...but once I start getting strict again I also feel trapped and I start feeling like a slave to the scale and obsessive and upset depending on how my day went with eating. I don't want that either, because I wasn't happy then. I'm really trying for a happy medium, but it is incredibly hard for me. My mind wants to have the rules and follow them, or then if I throw out the rules, I just feel like I'm being lazy and failing and I worry I'll get out of control. I don't know why this is my thought process and I don't like it, and I know I have to get to the root of it.
I was actually talking with my mom yesterday about some of these thoughts and expressed to her that I feel anxiety has something to do with it. I feel that anxiety has held me back from doing a lot of things I wanted to do in my life (issues with career, dating, school, etc). Not only that, but just never feeling that I was truly good enough for anything. Deep down I guess I've never really accepted myself for just being me, and have not been able to embrace my imperfections. I've always felt I've failed and have not really succeeded at anything I've tried. And that sense of failure has sometimes led me to have issues with food. Either overeating because I'm comforting myself with food and using food to deal with my feelings or wanting to feel success with something and losing weight is measurable and something that I can monitor and use to gauge my "success." This also applies to exercise-doing nothing and just sitting on the couch/sleeping more or wanting to "go! go! go!" all the time and get as much exercise as possible. Food/eating patterns is just one part of the equation. I have to figure out the other parts and conquer those issues before the eating patterns can really be in sync. I think it's going to take time to figure all of this out and I need to be patient with myself.
In the meantime, here are my goals for the week:
1) Continue to avoid the weight watchers tracker and myfitness pal-I'm not ready to jump back into that right now
2) Strive for balanced meals-good mixture of protein, vegetables/fruit, whole grains, etc.
3) Avoid over-planning with meals, exercise. I think this is causing me stress because if I don't stick to my plan I feel bad and think about ways to correct this, etc. I want to have a loose plan-dinner ideas, lunch ideas, etc, as well as fitness classes, exercise options for week-but I also want to listen to my body. One day I might be more hungry and might eat more than planned (one day I could also be less hungry and eat less than planned). I might feel I need a rest day or that I need to be flexible and change my exercise routine to elliptical instead of running one day depending on how my body feels.
4) Forgive myself. This goes along with the last goal. If I do have an idea in my mind of how the day will go and I don't follow it, I want to be able to let it go and move on-not dwell on it.
5) Get adequate rest (this includes sleep) and find ways/activities to de-stress-this includes making time for journaling/blogging, stretching, reading, watching a favorite TV show, and I'm also looking into meditation. For some reason, when I started to diet last year I felt I needed to be doing something that I deemed "productive" at almost every point of the day or I felt I was being lazy/waste of space. This made me very stressed, anxious, and overall overwhelmed because my "to do" lists were so long and I just couldn't every get everything done that I felt I needed to achieve. Well, today I'm allowing myself time for that relaxation and I think it's just what I needed. :-)
Some pics from yesterday:
Friday, August 21, 2015
Intuitive Eating: Chapter 1
I thought I'd share some thoughts and summaries of the book, Intuitive Eating, since it's a book I'm currently studying and a practice I'm trying to learn more about.
Chapter 1, "Hitting Diet Bottom", discusses the issue of going on diets , "failing," and then experiencing dieting backlash. Have I been there? Yes.
Some signs that you have hit diet bottom are:
-becoming more preoccupied with food
-food becomes the enemy
-you become guilty when not eating diet-type foods
-slowed metabolism
-the harder you try to diet, the harder you fall
I think I've really experienced all of these things, so for me this is a sign that it is time to change my mindset.
This chapter also discuss symptoms of diet backlash:
-having little trust in self with food (this is me completely because I second guess what I eat all the time)
-feeling that you don't deserve to eat (yes, yes, yes)
..............to give an example of this....yesterday I ran in the morning on the treadmill and I didn't have any other activity planned for the day besides an evening walk. I was tired (hadn't slept much the night before) and I hit a panicked point midday where I thought I had to come up with a more intense exercise plan for the evening to "earn" my dinner that night. I actually said that I didn't deserve the meal that I was eating. I did manage to push these thoughts aside and stick to my original plan of a walk and the same dinner, but all those thoughts did run through my head.
-social withdrawal (experienced this a little last year, but no longer thankfully)
-sluggish metabolism (I feel I am experiencing this)
-using caffeine to survive the day (yes, but I think this is due to my sleep schedule)
-eating disorders (I've never had an eating disorder, but I will definitely say I've struggled with disordered eating patterns that were not healthy)
Another important part of the chapter is the discussion of what the dieting (long term) process does to the body. The book discusses how our bodies shift into a survival mode and our metabolism slows down. Our food cravings can escalate (I experienced this when I severely reduced calories, thankfully now that I've raised my calories I have average, normal cravings). There is also discussion about how with each diet, our body learns and adapts and this can result in rebound weight gain. I have experienced rebound weight gain after I increased my calories to a normal level after dieting. I've gained back about 20-25 pounds from the lowest weight I reached while dieting. This 20-25 lb increase was over the course of 1 year.
Basically this chapter encourages you to look at what dieting can do to your body and that by restricting calories below your needs, leaving yourself in a hungry state most of the time, just isn't a good idea.
Has anyone else read this book/chapter? Have you experienced any of these dieting backlash symptoms? I feel like I may have fell harder than most because I was clinging to a diet as a comfort, way to soothe my anxiety, but I think many people go on and off diets and experience some of these symptoms as well.
Thursday, August 20, 2015
What I Wish I Would Have Done at the Start of my Weight Loss Journey
When I decided to lose weight, I was at a pretty low point. I was binge eating, eating fast food daily (multiple times a day sometimes), was unhappy with how things were going in my life (yet continued to try and put on a happy face), and had very low self-esteem. I was not comfortable in my body and could actually feel my health declining. BUT, even with all of that going on, I did still have fun experiences. There were plenty of good times too. I didn't dwell on the shape of my body all the time, though I guess you could say I reached a denial state. However, deep down the unhappiness was there and had been growing, just as my body was growing. I couldn't deal with the emotions I was feeling and food was a way to focus on something else. Usually this resulted in sitting in my car after going through a couple drive ins and eating in my car until I was stuffed. Thinking back on it now, I'm shocked at how often I did this. It became almost a daily occurrence and just kept getting worse. I was embarrassed that family members or neighbors would see me carry the bags of fast food in the house. Sometimes I didn't care though and I just sat on my bed, eating away, almost in a food coma state. I'm still trying to process what was happening during that time and it seems so long ago, yet also feels like just yesterday. Looking back on it now, I don't know how I thought I could hide what I was doing.
But, this brings me to point of this post. I wished I would have tried to process the emotional aspect of what was going on. I wish I would have tried to discover why I felt I needed to turn to food so much and why I was feeling so unhappy. I wish I would have examined my relationship with food more closely and pin pointed the issues. I jumped into the Weight Watchers program knowing I needed to lose weight for my health, but also thought maybe that weight loss would also make me happier and make other things in my life better. Since I never tackled the issues behind the emotional eating I transferred my issues of overeating to the other extreme and became obsessive with point counting and eating as little as possible. Just as overeating calmed my nerves, controlling my eating or eating as little as possible calmed my nerves. So basically I still had issues with food, I never really addressed core issues with anxiety, etc, and I just ended up with another problem.
Looking back on it now, I can see at least some easy things I could have changed:
-reduce fast food consumption
-cut out calorie laden drinks
-reduce sugary treats
-exercise regularly
-reduce portion sizes
If I would have looked at those things I could have made small improvements over time. I would have seen results, just maybe not as rapidly as the way I went about it. However, I know that the emotional aspect probably needed to be handled first, including ways to cope with anxiety (something I'm still trying to figure out). I also think the biggest hurdle is self-esteem. I think that jumping into a weight loss plan when you really don't like yourself, but thinking that losing weight will make you like yourself more or it will just solve your problems, is a mistake. Because if you aren't successful or you struggle, you just sink deeper into self hate and it can lead you down a path of extreme weight loss or getting burned out and gaining weight again.
Everyone has a unique situation. Some struggle with weight for years, since childhood. Some struggle with bad eating patterns on and off for years, experiencing yo-yo dieting. Sometimes some experience will lead to temporary or short-term weight gain, weight loss, etc. I think it can be beneficial to take a good hard look at our past and our relationship to food as well as our reasons for wanting to lose weight before jumping into a weight loss plan. I wish I had. Only recently have I made myself start to examine my issues with body image and patterns of disordered eating at different points throughout my life. Now, I am finally trying to sort through what led to the weight gain and what led to the obsession with losing as much weight as possible. I have now gained weight back, though not all the weight I lost, and I'm working towards really addressing the core issues so I can get to a healthy weight that is best for me. It is not easy to accept the weight I'm currently at right now because I still want to jump back to counting points and get myself to a goal weight. But, I know that's not going to lead to the long term success, which is what I'm really after.
But, this brings me to point of this post. I wished I would have tried to process the emotional aspect of what was going on. I wish I would have tried to discover why I felt I needed to turn to food so much and why I was feeling so unhappy. I wish I would have examined my relationship with food more closely and pin pointed the issues. I jumped into the Weight Watchers program knowing I needed to lose weight for my health, but also thought maybe that weight loss would also make me happier and make other things in my life better. Since I never tackled the issues behind the emotional eating I transferred my issues of overeating to the other extreme and became obsessive with point counting and eating as little as possible. Just as overeating calmed my nerves, controlling my eating or eating as little as possible calmed my nerves. So basically I still had issues with food, I never really addressed core issues with anxiety, etc, and I just ended up with another problem.
Looking back on it now, I can see at least some easy things I could have changed:
-reduce fast food consumption
-cut out calorie laden drinks
-reduce sugary treats
-exercise regularly
-reduce portion sizes
If I would have looked at those things I could have made small improvements over time. I would have seen results, just maybe not as rapidly as the way I went about it. However, I know that the emotional aspect probably needed to be handled first, including ways to cope with anxiety (something I'm still trying to figure out). I also think the biggest hurdle is self-esteem. I think that jumping into a weight loss plan when you really don't like yourself, but thinking that losing weight will make you like yourself more or it will just solve your problems, is a mistake. Because if you aren't successful or you struggle, you just sink deeper into self hate and it can lead you down a path of extreme weight loss or getting burned out and gaining weight again.
Everyone has a unique situation. Some struggle with weight for years, since childhood. Some struggle with bad eating patterns on and off for years, experiencing yo-yo dieting. Sometimes some experience will lead to temporary or short-term weight gain, weight loss, etc. I think it can be beneficial to take a good hard look at our past and our relationship to food as well as our reasons for wanting to lose weight before jumping into a weight loss plan. I wish I had. Only recently have I made myself start to examine my issues with body image and patterns of disordered eating at different points throughout my life. Now, I am finally trying to sort through what led to the weight gain and what led to the obsession with losing as much weight as possible. I have now gained weight back, though not all the weight I lost, and I'm working towards really addressing the core issues so I can get to a healthy weight that is best for me. It is not easy to accept the weight I'm currently at right now because I still want to jump back to counting points and get myself to a goal weight. But, I know that's not going to lead to the long term success, which is what I'm really after.
Wednesday, August 19, 2015
Hello!
My name is Courtney and a year and a half ago I decided it was time to lose some weight and start to focus on my health. I was borderline obese according to my bmi and was sedentary. I was also going through a difficult time emotionally, and my weight was increasing steadily. So, in March 2014 I decided to join Weight Watchers and started exercising regularly. I got addicted to weight loss and was happy with how quickly I saw results. After 4 months I had lost 50 pounds and reached my goal weight. After 5 months I had lost close to 60 pounds and was below my goal weight.
Ultimately, I lost weight too quickly and reached a weight that was too low for my body frame and in August 2014 I started eating a little more and slowly starting gaining some weight back. However, I continued counting points and calories and exercising regularly. Over the past year I gained back about 20-25 pounds that I had lost. The weight came back on pretty fast, but some of that weight I needed to gain. Now I have reached a point where I'm ready to transition out of counting points and calories because it is now causing me too much stress and I don't like that I obsess over the numbers all day. I have also become tired of obsessing over the the number on the scale and basing my happiness on that number.
This past year has been tough for me and I have received a lot of different book recommendations to help me with my issues with emotional eating, body image, etc. One of the books that was recommended to me was "Intuitive Eating" and right away I related to everything the book was talking about. I have been slowly reading and studying this book and I'm trying to now practice the principles of Intuitive Eating in combination with the government's healthy guidelines for a balanced diet.
I struggle with bad body image and I'm not super confident at my current weight/size and as I try to navigate the waters of learning healthy habits, I'm also trying to find body acceptance and improve my self esteem.
I have a lot of thoughts on these topics about the emotional aspects of weight loss, body image, the pressure from society to be thin, emotional eating, etc. I'd like to use this space to share my thoughts and reflections on building healthy habits through diet and exercise (no advice here since I do not have any nutrition or fitness knowledge, but just my thoughts on how things are going for me), the process that has led me to where I'm at now, the struggles I've faced and battled in the past year, and reflections on what has led to my history of disordered eating habits (yo-yo dieting, emotional eating, bingeing, and restricting). I will also probably share some daily lifestyle posts as well.
Today was the first day I officially stopped counting points and calories and I've felt better than I have in a long time. I might have to return to counting if I can't get a good control of healthy eating patterns, but for now I'm excited to make some changes and try to create a more relaxed lifestyle for myself that is healthy, but not obsessive. I am not striving for perfection here. Welcome to my wellness journey. :)
Ultimately, I lost weight too quickly and reached a weight that was too low for my body frame and in August 2014 I started eating a little more and slowly starting gaining some weight back. However, I continued counting points and calories and exercising regularly. Over the past year I gained back about 20-25 pounds that I had lost. The weight came back on pretty fast, but some of that weight I needed to gain. Now I have reached a point where I'm ready to transition out of counting points and calories because it is now causing me too much stress and I don't like that I obsess over the numbers all day. I have also become tired of obsessing over the the number on the scale and basing my happiness on that number.
This past year has been tough for me and I have received a lot of different book recommendations to help me with my issues with emotional eating, body image, etc. One of the books that was recommended to me was "Intuitive Eating" and right away I related to everything the book was talking about. I have been slowly reading and studying this book and I'm trying to now practice the principles of Intuitive Eating in combination with the government's healthy guidelines for a balanced diet.
I struggle with bad body image and I'm not super confident at my current weight/size and as I try to navigate the waters of learning healthy habits, I'm also trying to find body acceptance and improve my self esteem.
I have a lot of thoughts on these topics about the emotional aspects of weight loss, body image, the pressure from society to be thin, emotional eating, etc. I'd like to use this space to share my thoughts and reflections on building healthy habits through diet and exercise (no advice here since I do not have any nutrition or fitness knowledge, but just my thoughts on how things are going for me), the process that has led me to where I'm at now, the struggles I've faced and battled in the past year, and reflections on what has led to my history of disordered eating habits (yo-yo dieting, emotional eating, bingeing, and restricting). I will also probably share some daily lifestyle posts as well.
Today was the first day I officially stopped counting points and calories and I've felt better than I have in a long time. I might have to return to counting if I can't get a good control of healthy eating patterns, but for now I'm excited to make some changes and try to create a more relaxed lifestyle for myself that is healthy, but not obsessive. I am not striving for perfection here. Welcome to my wellness journey. :)
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