Internal vs External

I can't remember exactly when I first started to really start embracing group fitness classes at the gym. I believe it was sometime last Fall and I gradually started adding classes that fit in my schedule.

I do remember that when I first started going to some I was still very thin-not at my thinnest, but still nearly 15-17 pounds smaller than I am now. I remember sometimes feeling so "light" in the more cardio focused classes like Tabata. I wanted to hang onto that "light" feeling that I had when I was thin. But I also remember that my energy level was so much lower than it is now and I wasn't nearly as strong. I would sometimes fight the light headed feeling-I especially remember this happening at Zumba on Friday nights when I had pushed myself all week and just couldn't push myself anymore. That 55 minute Zumba class felt so long.

I lost the "light" feeling when I gained weight. I lost a little speed on my runs. But, the strength I feel now is so much better than what I lost. Tonight in my Friday night Zumba class (as well as the last couple of months) I am shocked at how short the class feels, even after running in the afternoon and attending a Spin class in the morning. I no longer restrict calories or under-fuel. Sure, I'm not as fast on my runs, but I'm not miserable, and most of the time really enjoy running. And when I'm not exercising, it feels great to not be obsessing about weight loss. I still face bad body image, but I'm realizing that my healthy is not a skinny body. It's too hard for me to sustain and I just didn't feel good. Sometimes I miss having a flat stomach, or visible abs, or slimmer legs, or being able to go to any clothing store and find clothes that fit. But, I am learning to value the internal-the feeling I get from being my healthy self, which is not skinny, or small, but is strong-versus the external.

So, now that I've realized that "feeling good" is pretty great, the next phase I have to work on is the guilt. I have guilt for gaining back weight that I lost and still feel a very deep rooted sense that I'm not good enough. I still battle the "waste of space" feelings. I know that this has more to do with weight-weight and body is just something I have projected my feelings on-and something I feel I can change. Trying my best to work through these feelings and find some answers as I strive for health and balance in my life. 

Intuitive Eating: Chapter 5

The fifth chapter of Intuitive Eating introduces the first principle of intuitive eating: Reject the Diet Mentality.

As much as I want to believe that I was just making healthy lifestyle changes over the past year and a half, there was also a period of time, a somewhat long period of time, that I really was in a diet mentality. I wanted the extra weight off quickly and I felt my eating had to be very very controlled. I basically forgot how to eat "normal" during this time because my thinking had become so warped.

This chapter explains the diet void and how people often use dieting as a way to cope with life, fill up their time, or to use as control over your life. I think I used dieting for all of these reasons. Things in my life aren't exactly going smoothly right now, and since my weight was getting more and more out of control I wanted to do something quickly and I wanted a sense of accomplishment. I wanted something in my life to go right, because it felt like everything else wasn't. I also had good intentions-I wanted to feel better, feel like myself again, establish healthy habits for my present and future, etc. The dieting void means having to give up the thrill and excitement of dieting, and yes, in some ways dieting did bring me some excitement at first and I loved seeing the number on the scale go down. It has been hard to let that go.

Psuedo-dieting is also explained in this chapter. Basically, you think you have rejected the dieting mindset, but are still practicing unconscious dieting which could be:
-counting carbohydrate grams closely
-eating only "safe" foods (fat-free or low-cal)
-eating only at certain times of day
-paying penance for eating "bad" foods
-cutting back on food
-pacifying hunger by drinking coffee or diet soda
-limiting carbohydrates
-putting on a "false food" face in public
-competing with someone else who is dieting
-second-guessing or judging what you deserve to eat.

I have been guilty of many of those acts on the list. I don't meticulously count carbohydrate grams now, but I think I am conscious of what is high/low carb for the most part. I am breaking free of "safe" foods, though I still have my favorite "go to" foods. I am working on not second-guessing all my food choices and while I still have some work to do, I'm making progress.

The authors point out the dieter's dilemma, which is a great graphic, depicting the dieting trap that so many people fall into. First, it starts with a desire to be thin, then you go on a diet, this is followed by cravings and reduced self-control, then you have a loss of control and overeat which leads to regain of the lost weight.
I definitely have fell victim of the dieting dilemma at several points in my life. The yo-yoing is no fun at all.

I especially liked the steps outlined for rejecting the diet mentality:

• Step 1: Recognize and Acknowledge the Damage that Dieting Causes
• The body considers dieting a form of starvation
• Chronic dieting teaches the body to retain more fat when you start eating again
• Chronic dieting slows the rate of weight loss with each successive attempt to diet
• Decreased metabolism
• Increased binges and cravings 
• Increased risk of premature death and heart disease
• Causes satiety cues to atrophy
• Causes body shape to change (tend to regain weight in the abdominal area)

 After putting myself through a strict diet for many months I regret damaging my body the way I did.  I'm sure I've harmed my metabolism and now weight loss will be a bigger challenge for me in the future. Initially after dieting I did have increased cravings, but thankfully now I don't really have an issue with that. I definitely had trouble with satiety cues during and immediately after the dieting process. I would say I probably do carry more weight in my abdominal area than I would like, but before losing weight I had a lot more weight around my middle, so it's hard to say if my body shape is really permanently in a "changed" state.

• Step 2: Be Aware of Diet Mentality Traits and Thinking
• Forget willpower
• Dieting is an attempt to ignore natural desires and replace those desires with rules
• Dieting becomes a set of rigid rules which can trigger rebellion = overeating

• Forget being obedient
• Nobody can be the expert of "you"-you should be responsible for when, what, and how much of eating

• Forget about failure
• Diet mentality reinforces feelings of success or failure

 I'm definitely tired of trying to have enough willpower to diet. I'm also tired of following a set of food rules and feeling like a failure if I don't follow the rules perfectly. It's just too hard and exhausting!

• Step 3: Get Rid of the Dieter's Tools
• The scale as a false idol
• A "good" or "bad" scale # can both trigger overeating-congratulatory eating or can trigger a consolation party
• A scale ritual can sabotage mind and body efforts

• When a pound is not a pound
• Scales do no reflect body composition
• Fluid shifts in body

I do still weigh myself, but try not to weigh myself as often. Usually once during the week and once on the weekend. I do this mainly to see if I'm maintaining or gaining, and though I'm still unhappy with the number I see on the scale, I'm tying to not let it define my level of happiness or how I feel about myself. This is a challenge for me!

• Step 4: Be Compassionate Toward Yourself

This is so important! I feel through dieting I did gain some confidence, but I also gained even more self-hatred, because as I lost weight I just kept thinking the lower number still wasn't low enough and I kept finding more flaws or ways I could be better. It is so important to be kind toward yourself. I feel at the beginning of my weight loss journey I was kind to myself and really started out on the right foot, but after a couple months things took a turn for the worse for me and I no longer was nice to myself.

I think I'm on the right path to adopting this principle and I've been trying to change my way of thinking for awhile now. At first, I think I liked the idea of rejecting the diet mentality, but felt there was no way I could let it go completely because I felt something was wrong with me and I needed to stay on a diet to try to control my eating habits. I'm now trying to not be so hard on myself, trust myself with establishing better eating habits, and being compassionate toward myself so I don't live in a constant state of self-hate.

Perfectionism

As a child I was often told by family members that I was a perfectionist. In some ways I could see what they were talking about, but I always thought I was really laid back about some things, while hard on myself about other things.

As an adult I always laughed if someone put this label on me. "How can I be a perfectionist if I'm not good at anything I try?" I remember being asked once at a really uncomfortable counseling session to list some things that I felt I was good at, or that was a strength and I couldn't come up with one single thing.

Well after listening to a great podcast, "Progress, not Perfection: Managing Habits, Perfectionist Thoughts, Procrastination, Binge Eating, Anxiety, Stress, and Body Image", I realized that I do have some perfectionist traits. It is definitely more than actually being high achieving! When I think of my "all or nothing" thinking it completely fits with the perfectionist type. I also read through Huffington Post's "14 Signs Your Perfection Your Perfectionism Has Gotten Out of Control" and while I did not fit every description, I did feel some traits applied to me.

Many perfectionists struggle with black and white thinking-success or failure and I know that I've struggled with this. I've been trying to catch myself in these thoughts more lately. It is easy to regard my recent weight gain as a "failure" because the "success" I had with weight loss gave me results that were measurable which gave me a peace of mind. But my means of reaching the "success" weren't healthy or sustainable so I know I can't completely regard all of my weight loss as a success. And some of the weight gain that I've had recently has been healthy for my body and mind, so it isn't entirely a failure. But, sometimes I still fight to not regard myself as a failure because of it!


The Huffington Post article mentioned that a guilty soul as a perfectionist trait, and this really rings true for me, especially in my recent journaling practices. I've found that when sorting through my feelings, I commonly write about guilt and shame-whether that be related to body image issues, work, school, just myself. This can be very difficult to shake. With body image, I know I can't reach good body image until I do not feel shame towards my body, but I have yet to reach that point where I don't feel shame. That is something I am definitely needing to focus on.

Intuitive Eating: Chapter 4

Chapter 4, "Awakening the Intuitive Eater: Stages" introduces exactly that, the stages of beginning intuitive eating. This chapter points out that intuitive eating is a process and that it is not linear (I am definitely finding this out!)

The following stages are explained:

Stage One: Readiness-Hitting Diet Bottom
Basically you are tired of being tied to the scale, worrying about food, have a negative body image, think and worry about food all the time, etc.
Speaking for myself, I believe I have hit diet bottom which is why I chose to start an intuitive eating journey.

Stage Two: Exploration-Conscious Learning and Pursuit of Pleasure
This is a stage of hyperconsciousness where you reacquaint yourself with intuitive signals. You begin to make peace with food by giving yourself unconditional permission to eat and get rid of guilt-induced eating. This involves honoring your hunger, recognizing body signals, and respecting fullness. A point is made that this exploration stage is not the eating patterns you want to establish for a lifetime.
This is currently the stage that I'm in. I'm just starting to explore intuitive eating and learning how to eat what I want (within reason) without guilt. I don't quite trust myself yet, but I'm learning, and I'm hopeful that it will get easier.

Stage Three-Crystallization
At this stage thoughts about food are no longer obsessive and eating decisions do not require as much directed thought. There is a greater sense of trust in food choice, biological hunger is separated from emotional hunger, and you can experience feelings without the use of food.
I can't wait to reach this point!

Stage Four-The Intuitive Eater Awakens
At this stage you should have a comfortable, free-flowing eating style and it is easier to stop eating when comfortably full. You realize that eating healthier foods make you feel better and you have less of a need for the formally "forbidden" foods. There is an acceptance of body and shape and your body is on its way to approaching a natural weight.
I hope to reach this point.

Stage Five-The Final Stage-Treasure the Pleasure
At this stage it is easier to honor and respect fullness, you have given up using food to cope with emotions, eating is a source of pleasure vs affliction, you exercise to feel better, nutrition makes you feel physically good and healthy, and weigh settles to a natural states.

This process doesn't happen quickly and I realize I may be at the exploration stage for awhile. I'm willing to spend more time on this process!