Intuitive Eating: Chapter 7

 

The seventh chapter of Intuitive Eating addresses the third principle, Make Peace with Food.

I really liked this chapter and have read through it a few times. I have been in the process of making peace with food. Before I started my weight loss journey I would binge eat in my car-boxes of doughnuts, large fast food meals, cookies, etc. I would eat in secret at home in my room-all these foods that I deemed "bad" in my mind but I couldn't resist. I felt guilt....and shame...a lot of it. And as I gained weight those feelings just got worse. The feelings of bad/good foods started then for me. When I started dieting I felt I had to make a complete lifestyle overhaul and stop all the "bad" things I was doing-being "lazy" on the weekends, sleeping in, eating meals outside of the house, etc. After dieting for awhile, I really started to develop the mindset of good/bad food and I couldn't shake it. I felt extreme guilt if I didn't eat what I had planned for that day. Eventually when I did allow myself to have some of those "forbidden foods" I would usually have a day of overeating, because I broke my plan. This usually happened on the weekends, and then I was back to plan during the week, feeling so much guilt. Eventually I got tired of this mentality and it just wasn't working. It just took awhile to get there. I still have some feelings of guilt with certain foods....but it is not nearly as extreme as it was a year ago. I can enjoy something like a cookie (like I had last night) without feeling the need to eat more bad food or losing all control. I know I can have another cookie when I crave it. It's nothing to be fearful of. I was truly fearful of certain foods for awhile during the dieting process.

This chapter talks about how cravings increase as soon as we've restricted from any kind of substance. I personally find this to be very true from my experience with dieting. I used to make lists of food that I wanted to eat-that I couldn't wait to eat-when I'd been "good" for awhile, maybe after 3 weeks or so. Then I felt it would be ok to indulge. I would then overeat, feel horrible afterwards, then jump back into dieting again the next day or week. I remember last year on my birthday I decided to let myself indulge and had a list of the treats that I couldn't wait to buy-cupcakes, cookies, etc. I couldn't wait to eat all these things. Now, fast forward a year to my birthday. No lists of treats made. I enjoyed a meal out with my family, shared a dessert, and even though I gave myself permission to choose the foods I wanted, I didn't feel a pull to reach for all the treats, because I let myself have those foods here and there when I crave them. 

The psychological effect of deprivation is discussed in this chapter, which I feel is really important to talk about. Basically, when you put extreme restrictions on yourself, you will just crave larger quantities of that food and you will develop obsessive thoughts and compulsive behaviors. This definitely happened to me. The obsessive thoughts about food were bad and I'm so ashamed of my behaviors during that time. I don't feel comfortable discussing yet all of the strange compulsive behaviors, but I will say that the psychological effect of extreme dieting was scary. I know I definitely took it too far, even if it was only for 6-7 months. So strange to think about how that short period of time can completely disrupt your way of thinking/eating, but my relationship with food was very bad before I started dieting, just in a different way. 

Some other points from the chapter:

• Last supper eating: You know that you are going to start a diet on Monday or tomorrow or in 1 week, etc., so you eat whatever you want now because you are afraid that you won't get these foods again. Your trust in food declines and this convinces you that you must diet because you have no control over food. This is all because of the fear of deprivation-that you won't be "allowed" these foods anymore.
• Dieting and restrained eating: Dieters adapt by practicing restrained eating. You set up rules for yourself instead of listening to your body. (exactly, I did this, and completely lost sense of my hunger cues, which I'm still working to connect to again). Once you break a dieting rule, you begin to overeat. This section also talks about how the longer we prohibit foods, the more seductive they become. As guilt increases and builds over time, the food intake will also increase. So, if you've dieted for a long time, it makes sense that you could have rebound weight gain. The deprivation/guilt pull can lead to binge/restrict cycles which are difficult to get out of.
• The authors suggest that the key to making peace with food is to give yourself unconditional permission to eat. They also point out that you should pay attention to satiety and fullness which doing this because the goal is to feel good and not sick! Basically, the idea is that if you free your food choices, you will eliminate the urgency to overeat. For me, I found this to be true, as described in my birthday example above. I also have had other instances of this as well. When we remove the deprivation we can remove some of that extreme allure of those foods. The goal is to think about foods reasonably and rationally. :-) This is a scary step, and really something that I'm still trying to work on. Common fears are that you won't be able to stop eating if you allow those foods, that you won't eat healthfully, or just a lack of self-trust. For me, I had a couple foods that I allowed myself to eat without guilt at first and I did overeat them for awhile, but eventually, that desire faded, and I went to my normal eating levels. There are still a few foods that I fear and avoid because of my past, and I'm going to try to let some things back in my diet slowly (and in moderation) soon and I realize at first I may eat more at first, but now after trying this with a few other foods, I know that the allure does fade. 
• The authors give 5 steps to make peace with food. These steps include paying attention to foods that are appealing to you and that you've been restricting. They tell you to allow yourself these food/foods and check in with yourself while eating to see if these foods are still desirable to you.. If they are, allow yourself these foods. They once again stress the importance of eating with regard to fullness and hunger. 

So, this is the principle that I will be putting more focus on this week. I've already put some focus on this principle, but I know I'm not at complete peace with all foods and still have some good/bad food thoughts that I'd like to break. I feel ready to do this because I know that nutritious/nutrient dense food makes me feel good and I want to eat that kind of food the majority of the time, not because I HAVE to, but because I feel better when I do, with exercise, energy, etc.  So, even with allowing something that is deemed "bad" or "unhealthy" in my mind, I will not go down a path eating like I did a couple years ago.

Intuitive Eating: Chapter 6

The fifth chapter of Intuitive Eating addresses the second principle, Honor Your Hunger. Seems like a common sense topic, but for people who have dieted for awhile, it's easy to lose track of real signs of hunger.

Some major topics addressed in this chapter include:

• Primal hunger- Your body doesn't want to be in a dieted, starved state and will seek out more food if it has been put through this for long periods. That is why after dieting some people end up gaining all the weight back plus more.
• When you undereat, you can become obsessed with food and become preoccupied with thoughts of food.
• Mechanisms that trigger eating-hunger drive is a mind-body connection. The issue of will power is really an issue of a biological drive
• The Carbohydrate craver-carbohydrates are the standard of food energy to the body
• Second Guessing your biology-chronic dieters overthink biology. If you ignore hunger signals, they begin to fade and you can't recognize when you are hungry anymore. OR you only "hear" hunger in extreme, ravenous states, which triggers overeating (leading you to lose trust with food). We can stop eating based on internal food cues, but instead by food thoughts and judgements instead.
• Primal food therapy: honor your hunger-your body needs to know that it will consistently have access to food and that dieting and deprivation have halted. It is much easier to stop eating hen you know you will be able to eat again-want to avoid feast or famine cycles.
• Hunger silence-dieters have a tendency to numb feelings of hunger or just deny it
• How to honor biological hunger-begin to listen for hunger and each time you eat evaluate your hunger level. Try not to let yourself get to a ravenous hunger level or go no longer than 5 waking hours without eating. Get reacquainted with your hunger by frequent check ins with your hunger level

I have been putting a big focus on this principle for the past several months. I've really been trying to evaluate my hunger level and allowing myself to eat when hungry. This sometimes means eating more than planned (also sometimes less than planned), or sometimes having unplanned snacks. When I was in extreme dieting mode I made myself eat only at certain times and all my points and calories had to be pre-planned and I felt extreme guilt if I didn't stay within that plan. At a certain point, I couldn't recognize my hunger cues very well at all and just allowing myself to eat with everything so "planned" was really strange at first. I still meal plan, because that makes grocery shopping easier and allows me to have variety in my fridge (and get some nutritious food!), but I don't follow a strict portion plan and I allow variation in my day depending on how I feel. 

I remember being so strict during the week (and the majority of the time) that when I allowed myself a cheat day or a cheat weekend I would WAY overeat. And then I felt terrible. I can see now that it was because I wasn't eating enough at other times and my body was just trying to get all the energy it could. I remember dreading the weekend, because I knew I wouldn't have the "willpower" and when I let myself have 1 thing off of plan, I would spiral into more overeating and felt I didn't have "control" over food. Well, these days, things are definitely different! And I'm so thankful for that. I do weigh more, but I eat so much more consistently. :-) Yes, weekends do involve more eating out or do have less structure, but I don't feel out of control when I eat something that isn't a typical food or is a treat. I can enjoy it without feeling completely out of control. I really like this change, and this has happened since I started really paying attention to my hunger, and not being so strict with a plan. I don't strive for a perfect diet, and I'm happier with just aiming for balanced eating, and trying to eat well the majority of the time. I'm learning more everyday, and also learning that some weeks aren't going to go to plan, and that's ok too. I've been trying to get rid of feelings of guilt with food and I've been striving for an overall calmer state with eating. Letting go of excessive calorie tracking has helped me tremendously with feeling more relaxed. 

Internal vs External

I can't remember exactly when I first started to really start embracing group fitness classes at the gym. I believe it was sometime last Fall and I gradually started adding classes that fit in my schedule.

I do remember that when I first started going to some I was still very thin-not at my thinnest, but still nearly 15-17 pounds smaller than I am now. I remember sometimes feeling so "light" in the more cardio focused classes like Tabata. I wanted to hang onto that "light" feeling that I had when I was thin. But I also remember that my energy level was so much lower than it is now and I wasn't nearly as strong. I would sometimes fight the light headed feeling-I especially remember this happening at Zumba on Friday nights when I had pushed myself all week and just couldn't push myself anymore. That 55 minute Zumba class felt so long.

I lost the "light" feeling when I gained weight. I lost a little speed on my runs. But, the strength I feel now is so much better than what I lost. Tonight in my Friday night Zumba class (as well as the last couple of months) I am shocked at how short the class feels, even after running in the afternoon and attending a Spin class in the morning. I no longer restrict calories or under-fuel. Sure, I'm not as fast on my runs, but I'm not miserable, and most of the time really enjoy running. And when I'm not exercising, it feels great to not be obsessing about weight loss. I still face bad body image, but I'm realizing that my healthy is not a skinny body. It's too hard for me to sustain and I just didn't feel good. Sometimes I miss having a flat stomach, or visible abs, or slimmer legs, or being able to go to any clothing store and find clothes that fit. But, I am learning to value the internal-the feeling I get from being my healthy self, which is not skinny, or small, but is strong-versus the external.

So, now that I've realized that "feeling good" is pretty great, the next phase I have to work on is the guilt. I have guilt for gaining back weight that I lost and still feel a very deep rooted sense that I'm not good enough. I still battle the "waste of space" feelings. I know that this has more to do with weight-weight and body is just something I have projected my feelings on-and something I feel I can change. Trying my best to work through these feelings and find some answers as I strive for health and balance in my life. 

Intuitive Eating: Chapter 5

The fifth chapter of Intuitive Eating introduces the first principle of intuitive eating: Reject the Diet Mentality.

As much as I want to believe that I was just making healthy lifestyle changes over the past year and a half, there was also a period of time, a somewhat long period of time, that I really was in a diet mentality. I wanted the extra weight off quickly and I felt my eating had to be very very controlled. I basically forgot how to eat "normal" during this time because my thinking had become so warped.

This chapter explains the diet void and how people often use dieting as a way to cope with life, fill up their time, or to use as control over your life. I think I used dieting for all of these reasons. Things in my life aren't exactly going smoothly right now, and since my weight was getting more and more out of control I wanted to do something quickly and I wanted a sense of accomplishment. I wanted something in my life to go right, because it felt like everything else wasn't. I also had good intentions-I wanted to feel better, feel like myself again, establish healthy habits for my present and future, etc. The dieting void means having to give up the thrill and excitement of dieting, and yes, in some ways dieting did bring me some excitement at first and I loved seeing the number on the scale go down. It has been hard to let that go.

Psuedo-dieting is also explained in this chapter. Basically, you think you have rejected the dieting mindset, but are still practicing unconscious dieting which could be:
-counting carbohydrate grams closely
-eating only "safe" foods (fat-free or low-cal)
-eating only at certain times of day
-paying penance for eating "bad" foods
-cutting back on food
-pacifying hunger by drinking coffee or diet soda
-limiting carbohydrates
-putting on a "false food" face in public
-competing with someone else who is dieting
-second-guessing or judging what you deserve to eat.

I have been guilty of many of those acts on the list. I don't meticulously count carbohydrate grams now, but I think I am conscious of what is high/low carb for the most part. I am breaking free of "safe" foods, though I still have my favorite "go to" foods. I am working on not second-guessing all my food choices and while I still have some work to do, I'm making progress.

The authors point out the dieter's dilemma, which is a great graphic, depicting the dieting trap that so many people fall into. First, it starts with a desire to be thin, then you go on a diet, this is followed by cravings and reduced self-control, then you have a loss of control and overeat which leads to regain of the lost weight.
I definitely have fell victim of the dieting dilemma at several points in my life. The yo-yoing is no fun at all.

I especially liked the steps outlined for rejecting the diet mentality:

• Step 1: Recognize and Acknowledge the Damage that Dieting Causes
• The body considers dieting a form of starvation
• Chronic dieting teaches the body to retain more fat when you start eating again
• Chronic dieting slows the rate of weight loss with each successive attempt to diet
• Decreased metabolism
• Increased binges and cravings 
• Increased risk of premature death and heart disease
• Causes satiety cues to atrophy
• Causes body shape to change (tend to regain weight in the abdominal area)

 After putting myself through a strict diet for many months I regret damaging my body the way I did.  I'm sure I've harmed my metabolism and now weight loss will be a bigger challenge for me in the future. Initially after dieting I did have increased cravings, but thankfully now I don't really have an issue with that. I definitely had trouble with satiety cues during and immediately after the dieting process. I would say I probably do carry more weight in my abdominal area than I would like, but before losing weight I had a lot more weight around my middle, so it's hard to say if my body shape is really permanently in a "changed" state.

• Step 2: Be Aware of Diet Mentality Traits and Thinking
• Forget willpower
• Dieting is an attempt to ignore natural desires and replace those desires with rules
• Dieting becomes a set of rigid rules which can trigger rebellion = overeating

• Forget being obedient
• Nobody can be the expert of "you"-you should be responsible for when, what, and how much of eating

• Forget about failure
• Diet mentality reinforces feelings of success or failure

 I'm definitely tired of trying to have enough willpower to diet. I'm also tired of following a set of food rules and feeling like a failure if I don't follow the rules perfectly. It's just too hard and exhausting!

• Step 3: Get Rid of the Dieter's Tools
• The scale as a false idol
• A "good" or "bad" scale # can both trigger overeating-congratulatory eating or can trigger a consolation party
• A scale ritual can sabotage mind and body efforts

• When a pound is not a pound
• Scales do no reflect body composition
• Fluid shifts in body

I do still weigh myself, but try not to weigh myself as often. Usually once during the week and once on the weekend. I do this mainly to see if I'm maintaining or gaining, and though I'm still unhappy with the number I see on the scale, I'm tying to not let it define my level of happiness or how I feel about myself. This is a challenge for me!

• Step 4: Be Compassionate Toward Yourself

This is so important! I feel through dieting I did gain some confidence, but I also gained even more self-hatred, because as I lost weight I just kept thinking the lower number still wasn't low enough and I kept finding more flaws or ways I could be better. It is so important to be kind toward yourself. I feel at the beginning of my weight loss journey I was kind to myself and really started out on the right foot, but after a couple months things took a turn for the worse for me and I no longer was nice to myself.

I think I'm on the right path to adopting this principle and I've been trying to change my way of thinking for awhile now. At first, I think I liked the idea of rejecting the diet mentality, but felt there was no way I could let it go completely because I felt something was wrong with me and I needed to stay on a diet to try to control my eating habits. I'm now trying to not be so hard on myself, trust myself with establishing better eating habits, and being compassionate toward myself so I don't live in a constant state of self-hate.

Perfectionism

As a child I was often told by family members that I was a perfectionist. In some ways I could see what they were talking about, but I always thought I was really laid back about some things, while hard on myself about other things.

As an adult I always laughed if someone put this label on me. "How can I be a perfectionist if I'm not good at anything I try?" I remember being asked once at a really uncomfortable counseling session to list some things that I felt I was good at, or that was a strength and I couldn't come up with one single thing.

Well after listening to a great podcast, "Progress, not Perfection: Managing Habits, Perfectionist Thoughts, Procrastination, Binge Eating, Anxiety, Stress, and Body Image", I realized that I do have some perfectionist traits. It is definitely more than actually being high achieving! When I think of my "all or nothing" thinking it completely fits with the perfectionist type. I also read through Huffington Post's "14 Signs Your Perfection Your Perfectionism Has Gotten Out of Control" and while I did not fit every description, I did feel some traits applied to me.

Many perfectionists struggle with black and white thinking-success or failure and I know that I've struggled with this. I've been trying to catch myself in these thoughts more lately. It is easy to regard my recent weight gain as a "failure" because the "success" I had with weight loss gave me results that were measurable which gave me a peace of mind. But my means of reaching the "success" weren't healthy or sustainable so I know I can't completely regard all of my weight loss as a success. And some of the weight gain that I've had recently has been healthy for my body and mind, so it isn't entirely a failure. But, sometimes I still fight to not regard myself as a failure because of it!


The Huffington Post article mentioned that a guilty soul as a perfectionist trait, and this really rings true for me, especially in my recent journaling practices. I've found that when sorting through my feelings, I commonly write about guilt and shame-whether that be related to body image issues, work, school, just myself. This can be very difficult to shake. With body image, I know I can't reach good body image until I do not feel shame towards my body, but I have yet to reach that point where I don't feel shame. That is something I am definitely needing to focus on.

Intuitive Eating: Chapter 4

Chapter 4, "Awakening the Intuitive Eater: Stages" introduces exactly that, the stages of beginning intuitive eating. This chapter points out that intuitive eating is a process and that it is not linear (I am definitely finding this out!)

The following stages are explained:

Stage One: Readiness-Hitting Diet Bottom
Basically you are tired of being tied to the scale, worrying about food, have a negative body image, think and worry about food all the time, etc.
Speaking for myself, I believe I have hit diet bottom which is why I chose to start an intuitive eating journey.

Stage Two: Exploration-Conscious Learning and Pursuit of Pleasure
This is a stage of hyperconsciousness where you reacquaint yourself with intuitive signals. You begin to make peace with food by giving yourself unconditional permission to eat and get rid of guilt-induced eating. This involves honoring your hunger, recognizing body signals, and respecting fullness. A point is made that this exploration stage is not the eating patterns you want to establish for a lifetime.
This is currently the stage that I'm in. I'm just starting to explore intuitive eating and learning how to eat what I want (within reason) without guilt. I don't quite trust myself yet, but I'm learning, and I'm hopeful that it will get easier.

Stage Three-Crystallization
At this stage thoughts about food are no longer obsessive and eating decisions do not require as much directed thought. There is a greater sense of trust in food choice, biological hunger is separated from emotional hunger, and you can experience feelings without the use of food.
I can't wait to reach this point!

Stage Four-The Intuitive Eater Awakens
At this stage you should have a comfortable, free-flowing eating style and it is easier to stop eating when comfortably full. You realize that eating healthier foods make you feel better and you have less of a need for the formally "forbidden" foods. There is an acceptance of body and shape and your body is on its way to approaching a natural weight.
I hope to reach this point.

Stage Five-The Final Stage-Treasure the Pleasure
At this stage it is easier to honor and respect fullness, you have given up using food to cope with emotions, eating is a source of pleasure vs affliction, you exercise to feel better, nutrition makes you feel physically good and healthy, and weigh settles to a natural states.

This process doesn't happen quickly and I realize I may be at the exploration stage for awhile. I'm willing to spend more time on this process!

Monday Thoughts

Some days I feel like I'm starting to get in a somewhat good place in regards to my health and body image. But, I know I am easily shaken and not confident yet after a conversation today with a family member.

My situation is interesting as just a little over a year and a half ago I was close to obese and had a very bad bingeing, emotional overeating habit. Then I decided to lose weight and ended up losing a little too much and going too far with that. Because of my history of overeating and past weight issues I still have family members that are concerned that I will return to my overweight state. I sometimes get scared too, but I've been gaining confidence that I won't quite be the same as I was then, even if my weight isn't in an ideal range, because I have formed quite a few healthy habits over the past year or so that I don't want to give up.

I was discussing my issues with anxiety with a family member tonight and was reminded that I turn to food when I'm not really hungry and more so due to quiet an anxious stomach. This is true sometimes, but sometimes I do truly think that I'm hungry. Or maybe I'm not...maybe I can't tell the difference any more. I'm just not sure. Basically the conversation left me questioning my hunger cues and eating habits again and the amount of fuel I need for myself. I was reminded that I did the same activity and sometimes more with less food 4-5 months ago. I was left feeling that I'm eating more than I need to and that now I am once again in the same boat I was 1 1/2 years ago where I need to start being concerned about eating too much.

In some ways this is fine, because throughout life we will have to examine our eating patterns and give ourselves little reality checks. It's normal to have to adjust eating patterns and to try to make healthy changes. I guess I'm just left feeling especially uncomfortable tonight because my recent decision to switch to all intuitive eating is starting to seem like a bad idea....like maybe I need to go back to counting calories and points again to get myself to a more ideal weight range.

In some ways this conversation left me feeling validated in a really odd way. Like, "yes, those worries and fears that you've been having that you are starting to become overweight again are true, others are seeing it as well and are concerned. You will always have to watch your calories closely because you will always have a weight problem-it's just an issue you have to accept. If you really want to be your best self, you need to lose those 10-15 pounds and work harder than ever to keep that weight off. Life is hard, get over it. You are weak for gaining weight back and failed miserably at a lifestyle change."

But then I was also left with thoughts of sadness because I desperately want to just like and accept myself for where I'm at now, acknowledge it's not necessarily a permanent state, and changes could be made, but this extra weight doesn't mean I necessarily have a big problem. I like that I have one less thing to think about with points/calories counting. I like being a little more flexible.

But I don't like the thought of other people judging me negatively or family members being concerned that I'm going down a dangerous path with weight gain again. I know it was hard for my mom to see me gain 25 pounds in a short amount of time a couple years ago. I had never been obese as a child or teen and it was definitely not my normal state.

I have this strong desire to not disappoint others, but then I also have this pull in another direction of just wanting to be happy for "me" and accept myself, flaws and all. It's definitely a tough mental state to be in now.

I've considered maybe going back to point counting for a month, planning more physical activity on the weekends, and then from there make a decision to jump back into intuitive eating in baby steps-maybe a couple days a week again.

I'm not sure, but tonight I'm left feeling defeated, embarrassed, ashamed, and confused. Just when I think I'm making process on the mental aspect, I'm made aware that in the physical sense my health is declining. I wish it could all be in synch and I'm worried it may never be in synch for me.